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July 23, 2012 | by  | in News |
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The Week That Wasn’t

On Friday, the Labour party released a press statement admitting they have been “totally fucking pissed” since at least April. The revelation has cast doubt on the validity of many of its members statements to the press over the last three months.

“Wait, I said WHAT?” said Labour MP, Charles Chauvel, wearing one slipper and cooking bacon in the microwave, “we should put a minimum price on alcohol? Lawl, gtfo, no way.”

“How on earth would I be able to make atrocious policy decisions if I couldn’t afford to get O-T-P? Pass me that panadol.”

MP Clayton Cosgrove said the binge began winding down when everyone became “kind of downbuzz” while watching Thomas the Tank Engine reruns at 6:30am one morning in early July.

“I just felt like… fuck the system man, seriously… why you wanna hurt those innocent trains?” said Cosgrove, sitting with his legs wide apart and perhaps wearing nothing underneath his dressing gown.

“Jesus christ, that must’ve been when I said KiwiRail is a strategic asset.”

While recovering from their massive collective headache, Labour leader David Shearer called an emergency caucus meeting to discuss the best way to avoid future hangovers.

“Holy shit guys, let’s never drink this much again, I feel terrible.”

The caucus concurred and boasted that they didn’t even need to be drunk to have fun while dancing in public to music they don’t really like.

“Maybe we should make it harder for ourselves to get a hold of alcohol?” said Deputy Leader Grant Robertson.

The Labour caucus then voted 34-0 in favour of a minimum price per standard drink for alcoholic beverages.

As of Sunday, Chauvel was reported as having said “just the one” in a Wellington bar. He hasn’t been home since.

Next Week: ALCOHOL; just a massive placebo?

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