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August 20, 2012 | by  | in News |
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LOL News

GREEDY PIE THIEF HAUNTS QUAINT SOUTHERN TOWN

A 33-year-old man was arrested in Queenstown after being accused of entering a bakery and eating another man’s pie. The man was taken into the police station after refusing to give any additional details. After arriving at the station, he returned the stolen property through his mouth and onto the floor.

Relief was felt, as police had been worried the situation would turn thermonuclear.

Meanwhile nearby, an Australian stripped naked and jumped into Kawarau River but was later pulled out of the freezing water.

Salient suspects that after significant shrinkage, he appeared less than remarkable.

DOTCOM A MEGABULLY

Many people have been confused as to why the New Zealand government utilised its elite counter-terrorism unit to raid ‘Megaupload’ founder Kim Dotcom’s mansion.

But last week, the heavy-handed police actions were vindicated as Dotcom was proven to be a violent man, using any weapon in his arsenal. Though it wasn’t his arse, the obese Dotcom is alleged to have used his stomach to assault his former video editor Jess Bushyhead.

Bushyhead reports that Dotcom used his stomach to “body-butt” him in the shoulder. This fracas came after a heated work-related dispute between the two in which Dotcom also dared to poke Bushyhead with his finger. Salient has yet to hear if Dotcom is reportedly producing a song about the incident.

ROBERT PATTINSON REPORTED “SAD”

Stuff.co.nz has reported that Robert Pattinson looks sad. An extensive body of photographic evidence accompanies the story. That is all.

 

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