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August 20, 2012 | by  | in Opinion |
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Roxy Heart

I have a question which i hope you can help me with. Recently I started a relationship with a totally HOT guy who has never been in a gay relationship hes a real blokey bloke and to look at him you would think he was totally into the female front bum……and he was until he met me (this was confirmed to me by his sister and best friend). I’m not all that Fem either BUT way more than he is. We have sex up to 3 times a day and he is an amazing lover (once i showed him what to do) my problem is that everytime we go out anywhere he seems to get really possessive and territorial over me (i’ve told him i’m absolutely fine if we don’t do the whole PDA thing) but he insits on holding hands in public (completely fine with me ;P) but if another guy was to even look at us sideways he gets really agressive and usually ends up cussing them out, why is he doing this and how do i stop it, i have asked him but he usually says “that guy had a problem”? Also is his possessiveness something to keep an eye out for as i have GF’s who have had bad experiences with possessive, territorial boyfriends? Other than this he is incredibly sensitive, romantic and passionate and treats my like a princess. Am i overreacting and should i just be greatful that i have found an amazing guy? 

Roxy has never shied away from playing armchair psychiatrist, so let’s get our notebook out and try to figure out what’s going on here. Your boyfriend is a recently gay (bi?) guy who is totally possessive over you, to the point of causing scenes in public. So what’s going on?

First, you could be overreacting: it may just be a phase he is going through, now that he is (presumably) out of the closet. Maybe he feels threatened by homophobia, and thinks that these sorts of reactions are a good way to appear tough and confident in his sexuality. Maybe he’s just really, really in love with you, and he’s worried more experienced gays will steal you from him. Do you do anything that might worry him? Are you flirty? It may be that without realising it, you are feeding into some insecurity he might have around your relationship. That’s not to say his behaviour is acceptable: It stopped being acceptable at the point you told him to cut it out. Still, if the changes needed are something you’d be happy to do, then making those changes seems like a good idea.

On the other hand, maybe there is something more concerning going on. Possessiveness by itself is not a cardinal sin, but it can quickly escalate into something worse. Does his behaviour limit the places you can go? Can you comfortably take him to a gay bar, or will he start causing a scene? Are you missing out on going places and doing things that you want to do because of him? That’s when you need to start worrying. Possessiveness can very quickly turn into controlling-ness, and any boyfriend who wants to control you, is going to turn into bad news.

Still, Roxy’s feeling is that you are not yet at that point. Next time you’re with your boyfriend, have a chat about what has been happening. Try and figure out what he’s feeling, why he thinks he needs to be protective. Tell him that he’s making you uncomfortable, and be honest about your concerns. He might be uncomfortable talking about it, so don’t worry if you need to try a few times, but eventually you should be able to zero-in on the issue. Is he nervous and insecure? Then comfort him and try and build his confidence. Is he controlling and won’t acknowledge your feelings in this situation? Dump him.
<3, Roxy.

If you have issues or concerns that you wish to discuss privately and confidentially with a professional, rather than a magazine columnist, Student Counselling Service can provide a safe place to explore such aspects of your life. The service is free and confidential. Phone 04 463 5310. Email counselling-service@vuw.ac.nz. Visit Mauri Ora, Level 1, Student Union Building. 

Send your questions for Roxy to

roxyheart@salient.org.nz

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