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August 13, 2012 | by  | in News |
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The Week That Wasn’t

SECRET SOCIETY CONSPIRING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE A LITTLE BIT WORSE EVERYDAY

The secret society which conspires to make your life just a little bit worse everyday, is meeting for its annual conference on Wednesday.

Although this is the first year the society has officially confirmed the existence of its meetings, you have long suspected they may exist.

The society claims it is responsible for many of the events in your life that’d you rather forget, including that one really embarrassing time in sixth form, and that other thing that happened in first year which made you feel pretty shitty.

“Ever get the feeling things just aren’t going your way and there’s nothing you can do about it? That’s all us,” said society president Aaron McCoy.

Founded on the day you were born, the society’s operations were initially small, and were primarily concerned with making sure you were always a little socially awkward. In recent years, they’ve been responsible for making sure that everyone else has more sex, money, and friends than you.

“Ultimately, we want you to die alone,” said McCoy.

When asked about the society’s future plans, McCoy said “we’re not entirely sure what we plan to do after we’ve ruined your romantic possibilities.”

“But we have considered creating a slightly racist online presence for you, with the intent of making you completely unemployable.”

The society has often been blamed for making you the whiny bitch you are. However, McCoy wished to emphasize that the group was unable to take credit for all the “dumb shit” things that you have done.

“Like that one time you fucked up last week? Nothing to do with us, that was all you”

After the flagrant disregard you’ve shown for your academic record, McCoy said the society is expected to discuss the possibility of admitting you as an honorary member.

“That’s so fucking stupid, we couldn’t have planned it better ourselves.”

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