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September 10, 2012 | by  | in Opinion |
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Things You Already Know But Just Need To Be Told

SO I WROTE THIS FOR SOMETHING ELSE AND THEN, BASICALLY, IT TURNED INTO ONE OF THESE COLUMNS, SO NOW IT DOESN’T REALLY HAVE A PROPER HOME.

“Things can be different.”
Pause.
“I don’t care if something is wrong. Not ‘Wrong’, I shouldn’t say that. Different. I don’t care if something different with me or him [Jelly Bean] or that [the Monster]. And not even in the we’re all family be who you want to be difference is just all the different colours of the rainbow kind of way. Though I do agree with that. But.

“My being stuffed and Jelly Bean being… y’know… having the red stuff. It may be ‘wrong’ in some technical sense but it’s just other… Who is to say what normal is? I can’t believe I just said that but… I am still me. Jelly Bean is still Jelly Bean. Tim is still Tim and that [the Monster] is whatever it is. It’s you who’s changed, Dave. Jelly Bean hasn’t changed, and, yes, I know, that’s because I just read everything into him and I tell the story of him into existence but that means that if I say that he’s okay, then, well, he’s okay. So, if I say I’m okay then I’m okay.

“Alright, maybe me being real makes me a different story but having this shit inside me isn’t going to stop me living or, y’know, being. People don’t need to know about me, about this. I don’t even need to know. Half of me, honestly, just really hopes to forget this… all of this. It doesn’t have to make sense or finish or be fixed because I will forget. I will make myself forget and may I recommend that you all do that too? That is enough. The easiest way to solve the hard maths equation is to simply wipe it off the whiteboard and something being easy doesn’t always make it wrong and I think this is one of the cases where that rule doesn’t apply. Getting rid of something is the same as forgetting it. If we make ourselves forget tonight, all of this, then it may as well have not happened. There is nothing wrong in whistling and looking the other way.

“I am not wrong. I am not broken. There is nothing about me that needs fixing because I choose for there not to be. And that is enough. I don’t need help and I don’t want it and yes and yes and yes I know it is there if I want and if I ask for it but I do not want it. Not today. Not for this. ANY OF THIS. I can sort this. We can sort this and not with violence. We can sort it by not sorting it.

“Life is like the sun. If you look right at it you are blinded and everything hurts.

“I am choosing to shade my eyes. I am allowed to do that.

“People do it all the time, it’s basically the natural fucking state of humanity. They do it without thinking and the only reason any of you think this is a bad idea, that I am thinking about this all wrong is because I am deciding to do it. How fucked is it that that is the shocking part of that equation. Ignorance? FINE. Choosing to be ignorant? BURN THEM.

“When I was small, when I was scared I would hold my Jelly Bean tight and shut my eyes and say ‘This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening. I’m not here and this isn’t happening.’

“So.
“Guess what?”
She holds Jellybean tight to her chest. “I’m not here.”
She shuts her eyes tight.
“And this isn’t happening.”

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About the Author ()

Uther was one of the two arts editors in 2009. He was the horoscopier and theatre writer in 2010. Alongside Elle Hunt, Uther was coeditor in 2011.

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