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September 17, 2012 | by  | in Features |
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Staying super safe & savvy while having lots of fun & making heaps of friends surfing the Facebooks


This is the most relevant article you will read in your entire life. Your social survival is tied to your Facebook self; they are inseparable. Oh, so you don’t use FB because you don’t prescribe to the notion that people should know every facet of your life? You do not matter. If there is anything that we can say with absolute certainty, it’s that Facebook is Life 2.0. Your image is everything. You must sell yourself if you ever want to be taken seriously. Your activity on Facebook isn’t about reflecting your personality, but a personality that others will actually like. Here’s a quick how-to guide for achieving your dream: Facebook popularity. 

Making friends: To gain ‘friends’ on Facebook, people need to know who you are. Unless you’re befriending fourteen year old girls (best fucking not be), random strangers won’t accept your request. So make a point of saying your full name (for example, Isabella Whitfield) to those who you meet in real life as many times
as possible. As Isabella Whitfield, I can achieve this subtly by relating it to the conversation. Enjoy the following example: “Oh, you like flowers? That’s funny ‘cause my name is Isabella Whit‘field’ and flowers grow in fields! Let’s be best friends!” This will make everyone love you and want to make out with your face—but more importantly, like your statuses.

Be seen at events. Make sure you look hawt in every photo you’re tagged in. Be sure that all content posted by others about you showcases you as the witty, pretty and modest individual you are. If not, harass the person who uploaded it. Tell them to “TAKE IT THE FUCK DOWN OMG YOU CAN SEE MY DOUBLE CHIN” by calling, texting, messaging or by filing a defamation of character suit against them. The sooner you act on inappropriate content, the better; seconds on Facebook are like whole minutes in the real world.

Post frequency and importance: You must know what your audience wants; they are your masters. You will get bonus points for posting things you personally have created, as long as it’s not a video of something mundane like you talking about a sandwich you’re planning to make (actually, I’d watch that). If you post too much or your posts have no substance, you will be an annoyance and people will hide you from their feed.

Like this article and I’ll send you a picture of my cat’s left paw. Also I don’t need to know when you have made cupcakes unless one has my name on it and I can eat it while you film me (OMG let’s be YouTube famous, I’ll go get a kitten).


Family and Facebook: Your mother may not be familiar with netiquette, and may share a photo from the page ‘~My Inner child Is a Drunken Whore~’. She will comment on photos of you asking you if you have gotten that rash sorted out. She will have access to you all the time and know when you ‘are available to talk’. Never be available to talk.

Attention seeking: Posting a status of a frowny face may seem like a good way of getting lots of attention online, but nobody likes a needy bitch. Also, while we are on the topic, don’t post quotes like this: “It is possible to cross an ocean without wetting legs. It’s impossible to cross the life without wetting eyes”.

Correcting others’ spelling and grammar: Don’t you know that language is fluid? Srsly, i wIl rite h0w i lyk MynD yhur oWn Bizniz K.

Depression: Facebook is meant to be a place where people can feel connected but it often has the opposite effect. It is important to keep your spirits up in this superficial endeavour. Since you will be spending a lot of time on Facebook, make a fun little game of looking at your feed. For instance, if you have a lot of family members as friends, take a shot every time you see someone using their baby as a profile picture. Do a double shot if you see an account made for a baby. If you have a lot of bogan friends take a shot every time they post lyrics as statuses. If your friends are politically minded, take a shot every time they post about ‘the opposition’ being shitty. Actually, don’t; you will die.

Finally, if all else fails post the following: “like my status and i will inbox you a confession ;)” ▲

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