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October 15, 2012 | by  | in Features |
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Hey Baby, Let Me At ‘Dat Pussy

Adventures in the peculiar world of online dating

Earlier this year, I ended a “serious relationship” and entered the part of my life that I affectionately refer to as my “slut phase”. In doing so, I tried pretty much every method of wooin’ da ladiez known to this earth. I went to parties, gigs and bars. I hit on my friends, my tutors and my baristas (sorry you guys). If it didn’t work, I asked them to introduce me to their cute pals. I made suggestive eye contact with strangers. And eventually, I joined OKCupid.

For those of you who have never been desperate, lonely or internet-savvy enough to have heard of it, OKCupid is a free dating website. Stop. Okay. I know there is a lot of ~omg stigma~ around online dating. Let me assure you of a few things: I am not a crazed shut-in. I am moderately attractive, fairly healthy and a generally decent person. So why internet dating? Isn’t that for creepers who think that “hey baby let me at dat pussy” is an appropriate way to introduce yourself? Isn’t it all sweaty nerds and murderers? I’m not going to lie to you; those people do exist. They exist everywhere, and so naturally, yes, some of them exist on OKCupid and other such sites. But the internet is huge now! It’s not all 4chan, you know?

I guess I should mention that my dating experience is probably a little different from the norm for a few reasons! When I signed up to OKCupid, it was out of a mixture of boredom, curiosity and—I’ll be honest—the desire to touch some boobs.As far as I can tell, that’s fairly standard. My profile says that I am a gay lady. This is not quite true; I am genderqueer and not strictly into women but OKC does not code to support these complexities. Regardless, it appears (from anecdotal evidence; super scientific, I know) that my time on OKC has been less creepy than it would have been if I were a straight lady. I have a friend who, over a period of a few hours, received 12 (not a typo) voicemails from a guy she had coffee with once. Online dating seems to have less of a stigma in the queer community. Creepy straight dudes may be part of the reason for this. I imagine that there’s more to it than that, though: firstly, there are just fewer of us queers, and sometimes we are hard to find. Secondly, being queer, we already go against many of society’s expectations of relationships and dating.Thirdly, gay people love the internet. It helps us connect with people similar to us in a world that is often unkind.

Before I continue, here’s a basic rundown of how OKCupid works.When viewing someone else’s profile, you are shown three scores: Match per cent, Friend per cent and Enemy per cent.The match algorithms compute these scores based on your answers to a series of inane (and sometimes hilarious) questions; essentially, you answer a question, choose which answers are acceptable in others, and then rate the importance of the question. For instance, for the question “Which is bigger: the Earth or the sun?”, I answered the obvious and marked it as mandatory to have answered similarly. Does this make me an elitist? If I were a worse person, I could have marked “the Earth” as the only acceptable answer, set it as mandatory and taken advantage of all the dumb hotties coming up with high match scores. I did not do this. Golden points for me.

I’m unsure how much stock I place in OKC’s match algorithms; at best I think it’s a decent broad indicator of compatibility. If I have a match percentage of greater than 80 per cent with someone, I figure they’re probably worth getting to know better. At worst, I am judging a series of strangers by what a computer tells me to think of them.

Is that why we’re still so weird about online dating? Because it comes down to relying on computers to tell humans how to get it on? Well, that, and we’ve still got some (valid!) concerns about internet safety and privacy. It’s really awkward when you find profiles of people you already know. (And then hit on them. Without realising—until they mention it—that they are in your tutorial for that class you never go to. Oops.) Let’s be real, though; dating is always going to be a little bit awkward.That’s just what happens when you try to put your mouth on another person’s mouth. I don’t think that internet dating is deserving of all the stigma it gets. Sure, OKC has shown me some bizarre moments. I went on a date with a girl who once coughed up a spider. I accidentally applied for a job where a woman I was hitting on would have ended up being my boss. I’ve found tutors’ profiles. I talked to a 16 year old (her username had the phrase ‘CuddleMuffinz’ in it, and she answered the question ‘What do you spend a lot of time thinking about?’ with ‘suicide :/’ so I wasn’t really surprised). I’ve laughed at people like cuteygurl, babybutt_sxc and sexyassgurl09. Despite all of the embarrassing/ hilarious moments, I have also met some really lovely, surprisingly sane people who I wouldn’t have otherwise! I’m pretty thankful for that.

My verdict on internet dating: ultimately, worth it. So stop being so weird about it! Even if you don’t meet someone you want to bone/marry, you’ll have some hilarious times. And you can use those stories to impress hotties.

OKC How-To

1. Go to www.okcupid.com.

2. Take a breath. Is this what you want? If you are easily embarrassed and have cruel, internet savvy friends, you may be making a bad choice.

3. Look around your dark room (and heart). Examine your life. Create an account.

4. Fill out your profile. The less you write, the more coy and ~hot~ you will appear.

5. Upload a picture of yourself. Extra points if you show off your pecs/boobs/crazy eyes.

6. Answer questions. Dictate what is acceptable in others. Become ruler of your desires.

7. (a) Message cuties. Go on dates with cuties. Fall in love with cuties. Delete account.

7. (b) Give up all hope. Become a sociopath. Troll other users forever/until you get banned.

 

 

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