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October 8, 2012 | by  | in Features |
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Lite Mayonnaise Is Shit

You Hear that? That’s me opining for you.

I want any opinion I offer to be well reasoned, evenly balanced and carefully articulated. Sadly, I am totally unable to fulfill this expectation of myself and my attention span is shot to shit. Please accept the following brief opinions. Consider them the micro- greens on this very meaty salad of subjectivity.

Stickers that say “I only date boys that vote Green” would be best replaced by ones that say “I only date boys that vote left in the dream of joining the ranks of the liberal intelligentsia but will sadly later find that the vines of the corporate jungle inevitably veer to the right.”

The best Dashboard Confessional angst anthem is ‘Stolen’, not ‘Vindicated’.

The frustration at not getting in-jokes ninety per cent of the time is outweighed by the satisfaction of getting them ten per cent of the time. If you don’t like it, blame Bobby Brown.

Facebook is a place where the only appropriate anxiety is social. I will not be made to feel guilty by updates of your community initiatives and extracurricular efforts.Your sponsor child is (figuratively, more’s the pity) getting my goat.

Lite mayonnaise is shit.

There is a twenty-year-old social equivalent of being sixteen and not driving other people while on your Restricted, and I don’t know what it is, but I’m probably doing it, and it’s probably dire.

I don’t think that it’s possible to be in a worse social situation than having just been introduced to a circle of people by your name and the immortal line “She believes in capital punishment.”

Karen Walker jewellery does not say “I stay abreast of fashion in an unfazed way.” It says “I went to Melbourne with my mother for my super sweet 16 and I’m wearing chicken fillets rn.”

The Talking Heads song ‘This Must Be The Place’ is a song that hipsters put on to signal the alcohol-induced transition from ‘socially acceptable’ music to something that sounds suspiciously like ‘What Took You So Long’ by Emma Bunton.

The best joke I have heard this year is “did you hear about the really small zoo? It only had a dog. It was a Shi Tzu.”

I will know that I have turned into my mother when going to Spotlight is an acceptable and worthwhile way to spend an entire afternoon. In identifying this inevitability, the burden now falls upon me to eschew it.

The best thing in Salient this year was the Tabloid issue feature about milk prices. Richard D’Ath wrote it.You should look it up.

I didn’t realise quite how private-schooled I was until I came across a comment thread two years after leaving where Iago was misquoted as saying ‘I hate the poor’ and it came screaming back to me that we were warned to keep things left for the markers.

Puns on countries’ names are the cheapest form of entertainment I can think of. (You thought of masturbation, didn’t you? That’s disgusting. It makes you go blind.That’s how Braille came about. Splatter testing.) As for the puns, Moroccan some right now. I just adlib ya know? If you can think of something good for Burkina Faso, we can get married. I got great hair and a sick dowry.

All interpersonal relations are to be rationalised as objective ‘interactions’. Sometimes i think this, only to then remember that I’m not Bicentennial Man. Sigh, because he totally pulled Ms Honey.

Girls should show off their backs, not their chests. Boys should make like geisha and show off their forearms.The fact that I just mentioned this to my friend and he put his self-described ‘chicken forearms’ under the table either serves to prove that I am correct or that I am ugly.

Banana Paddle Pops are due a revival. Tiger Woods ruined men.

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