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October 15, 2012 | by  | in Opinion |
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Prudence Lovelock

Dear Salient
I am the budding sex columnist for a Wellington student publication and I desperately need your help. Ever since I started giving advice, people have just been asking me for more and more extreme sex advice. It was okay when it was just fisting and bondage, but now I’m getting questions about cum-pissing and genital mutilation. What should I do?
<3 Roxy

Prudence knows a thing or two about being a successful sex columnist. Since being fired by the Satanists-in-chief that run Salient, I have gone on to bigger and better things. My first book, Your Body is a Temple, so Lock the Doors at Night was a “best seller”, and has led to a syndicated column in the Southern Utah News, giving me a global audience, albeit amongst ungodly polygamist Mormons. Turning to Roxy’s question, the key to being a good advice columnist is to remember three important rules:

  1. 1. Sex is immoral, unless it’s for the purpose of making babies, or for cementing a potential marriage.
  2. 2. Society has an order: God, Jesus, Muslim Jesus, Man, Not Cloven-hoofed animals, Cloven- hoofed animals, Woman.
  3. 3. Prayer solves all problems, except problems caused by prayer to idols.

Now before we apply these rules, I think it’s important to get some additional information from Roxy…

Dear Roxy,
You harlot may have stolen my column inches, but now I, Prudence Lovelock, am in complete control. Before I solve your problem, I want you to tell me, are you ready to die?
Xoxo Prudence

Oh God oh God oh God, who put you crazy broad back in the hot seat? 

When I agreed to this with the editors, no one told me they were going to let you loose again.

<3 Roxy 

Of course, I should have expected this from Miss Heart. It is well-known that women are ill-equipped to be sex columnists, given that sex involves a high level of spatial analysis that women are mentally unable to perform. Consequently Miss Heart remains under the mistaken belief that I was fired because my advice was “offensive” and “dangerous”, rather than the truth which is that the Salient editors  were jealous of my fanmail volume. Anyway,

Hi again Roxy,
So glad to meet you again :). I notice you somehow missed my question? So, are you ready to die? (Hint: I ask because I think you’re going to burn in hell ☺☺)
Xoxo Prudence.

Dear Prudence,
It suddenly occurs to Roxy that we’re actually not all that different. I have realised that you just want to help people in your own special way. 

Please accept my peace offering. <3 Roxy

Roxy honey, thanks so much for coming around ☺. What peace offering were you talking about? Xoxo, Prudence

Oh sorry, I forgot to send you the link.

Google “Blue Waffle”. It’s really cute, and when Roxy sees it she thinks of you.
<3 Roxy

EDS NOTE: Yeah, we totally set up Prudence here. Well, we would have if Roxy and Prudence weren’t the same gay man. Psyche! 

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