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October 1, 2012 | by  | in Opinion |
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Roxy Heart

Hiya Roxy. I am a gay guy who is having a bit of a funny period in my life. I used to be the classic slutty queen: picking up random guys in town, or arranging hook-ups online. I must have had sex with dozens of guys of all ages, and did all kinds of shit. Fisting, rimming, threesomes, piss play. It got pretty intense, but I really enjoyed it. I took a lot of drugs, smoked a lot of cigarettes and got into some pretty dodgy situations, but it never got out of hand I never really regretted anything. I maintained a good average in my uni work, and no one really ever seemed that worried about me. Anyway, this year it has been like a light has switched off. I’m still horny, but now instead of hooking up I just jerk off and that’s it. I’m still attracted to guys, and still fuck every now and then, but it’s just weird that I don’t do any of the outrageous stuff anymore. Do you have any idea what’s happened? 

You’ve gotten old(er).

This is a pattern Roxy has noticed before in gay guys, and she suspects it’s just a form of the outrageousness that seems to accompany everyone’s first years at uni. When you’re at high school, particularly when you’re gay, it’s often hard to get
much sex. Your life is more supervised, and opportunities don’t often present themselves, particulary if you’re closeted or live in South Taranaki. While some people are able to experiment widely at high school, a large number of people leave as virgins, or with only one or two sexy-times under their belt.

Once you get to uni, though, all bets are off. You are free from oversight, and suddenly have access to a huge number of people from all walks of life. If you’re gay, you suddenly have an entire community of people who have very few hang-ups about casual sex. Suddenly, if you want it, you can have all the sex you want, particularly if you are a fresh-faced young first year. So, you end up having sex. A lot of sex. And, as you discovered, that rabbit hole goes deep pretty quickly, if you want it to.

It’s not just about access, though. Casual sex is a form of validation. If you’re a gay teen who has endured your teen years feeling self-conscious and out of place about your sexuality, or even just about your body (like every other teen), it is awfully comforting to be repeatedly told through the language of fucking that you’re worth something, and that people can find you attractive.

Maybe you don’t need that validation now. Maybe it’s just a phase you’re going through: libidos wax and wane as circumstances change. When you’re busy with a goal, or stressed out by a new job or new location, or whatever, it’s completely understandable your body might slow things down for a while. On the other hand, it could be a more fundamental shift. You might have reached a point where sex for the sake of sex has lost its novelty. There’s only so many times you can drunkenly fuck a stranger in the ass before all asses start to look the same and you begin to wonder, perhaps subconsciously, why you’re bothering. Sometimes you suddenly yearn for something a bit more. Perhaps it’s a personality; perhaps it’s someone or something totally new. You could even be subconsciously starting to want to settle down for a while, trying out an actual proper long term relationship, rather than just a string of anonymous men to fuck.

The thing is to realise that there’s nothing wrong here. If there has been no trauma, if there has been no negative reason for the slowdown, you can only assume it’s a natural period of your life. Go with the flow for a while.

<3 Roxy

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