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March 4, 2013 | by  | in Features |
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Porn to Be Wild

As a 14-year-old attending a Catholic school in a small town my sexual education consisted largely of word-of-mouth fables passed down from sibling to sibling and the systematic drawing of genitalia on any surface that a sharpie could mark. Fortunately for me I had the internet, and this wonderful thing called pornography. Now before I start I want to be clear about something: the following article refers to consensual and adult pornography. It is in no way meant to encourage or condone any viewing of sexual behaviour which is illegal. When accessed via legal and consensual avenues, pornography can provide a societal good. Be sure any pornography you watch falls within the bounds of consent and the law.

The explosion of pornography on today’s internet is largely thanks to its rich history. Pornography has been around since ancient times, continuing through the Middle Ages and developing into novels (one of the most famous is the aptly named Fanny Hill). However, when film ‘came’ about at the turn of the 19th century, so came with it all the busty beauties and Willy Wonkas you could shake a dick at. But following this, porn and its accompanying hand-friendly fun was quickly banned by people whom I can only assume were comparable to the Priest from Footloose. But in time the world grew to love porn again, and that town began to dance (thanks to Kevin Bacon).  By the 1990s the cyber Gods sorted their shit out and created an accessible forum that allowed people to fully explore their sexuality.

Rule 34 of the Internet states “pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject”. The Internet is a vast wasteland of vices, deviance and preferences that resembles a sexual buffet, where it’s all-you-can-eat, all the time. Porn for straight, gay, trans*, lesbian, race-based porn, big/small breasted, ‘ebony’ (porn featuring African American participants), amateur, voyeurism, and ‘milf’ are all pretty mainstream. However, if that doesn’t satisfy your pleasure thirst, the internet can get very specific. Porn involving little people, parody porn featuring hilarious titles (such as Armaget-it-on), bondage, hentai (anime), bukkake (look it up if you don’t know but USE SAFE SEARCH FOR THE LOVE ALL THINGS HOLY) and a genre entitled ‘camel toe’ all exist. There is even porn based on beloved cartoon family The Simpsons (because seeing reruns a thousand times on TV3 isn’t enough).

Before I finish up I want to talk about celebrity porn; a genre which has helped highlight the porn industry in everyday media. Below is the guide to celebrity porn:

Top 4

Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson: A classic. It’s a great video if you can take the grainy footage and poor-quality–late ’90s audio that sounds like someone aggressively whispering into your ear. Solid starting point.

Kim K and Ray J: Ever wondered why Kim Kardashian is famous? It’s because of this. The 30 minute romp with RnB artist turned reality star Ray J is spliced with scenes of her ‘just hanging out’. This is probably done so you can get to know the ‘real’ Kim, you know, in between her engaging in sexual intercourse with a washed-up musician.

“One Night In Paris”: Heiress and The Simple Life star Paris Hilton features in her very own sex tape! Arguably the most famous of sex tapes, it is a pretty difficult one to watch. Filmed on night vision, it seems like the unofficial sequel to The Blair Witch Project with just as much unexplained heavy breathing.

Tila Tequila: Coming in a close second place in the “why is she famous?”  competition, one-time model and several-time reality star Tila Tequila features in a sex-tape which only makes us feel sorry for her. She spends the whole time asking “You love me right?” in some sort of weird attempt to achieve validation for her life efforts to date. Sadly for Tila, this video falls short.

Extra for xxxperts: 

Verne Troyer: I really advise against this. It is the affable actor who played Mini-Me in the Austin Powers franchise in a pornographic film. The mind boggles as to why, although my money is on publicity for his new film entitled Austin Powers: Remember Mini-Me? Yeah he’s in porn. Try sleeping now.

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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