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April 15, 2013 | by  | in Opinion |
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Fixing Your Life (Because Ours are Written Off)

Hector:

Social Justice:
– Don’t call yourself a chauvinist.
– Ironic racism is pretty much regular racism, but without self-awareness.
– Men’s rights is not a legitimate thing, ever.
– Fedoras are not now, and never will be, cool.
– White people don’t ever, ever get to use the N-word.

Relationships:
– It’s just not worth befriending BSc students.
– If you’re reading VUW Cupid, you are at least ten per cent hoping to find love.
– Just tell them you don’t want a date for fuck’s sake.
– If you must do porn, make up a fake name.
– Don’t use Hector though!
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the perfect blend of frightening, intellectual and vaguely feminist for a date viewing.
– No, genuinely, just say you don’t want to date them.

Religion:
– If they give you lots of free stuff, the costs will come later.
– Atheists are just as preachy as religious folk.
– Doctor Who is not a deity and never will be.
– You probably don’t respect all the other faiths enough.

Hard Truths:
– Stop living life like it’s a television show.
– Social-justice issues are born of societal changes and will never truly go away.
– Bureaucratic scandals are merely a by-product of democracy.
– Ross and Rachel are probably divorced by now.

 

Janet:

HI, HOW ARE YOU. I tried to ape Hector and failed. In the end, I couldn’t make him take credit for the below:

Self:
– Your own vulnerability is nigh on uncontrollable.
– Everyone wants to be thought of in a certain way, and they curate the light in which you see them accordingly.
– If your body works, you’ve got very little reason not to like it.
– You are not David Foster Wallace. Only he was—and he sure as fuck didn’t enjoy it.
– If you deal with stress by going to Sandwiches and I deal with it by listening to ‘This Year’s Love’ on repeat in the bath, we ought to respect each other’s positions (while never actually meeting).

Loud Pants:
– Always and forever.

See?

There are better and worse ways to be offended: arching a disapproving eyebrow, snorting with derision, a painfully sassy email, or (my personal favourite) setting your ‘winged Twitter monkeys’ on the perpetrator. There are also better and worse ways to be offensive: extrapolating a general principle from a single experience, being a leftie that claims to have loved Thatcher, acting in a way that doesn’t respect people’s feelings, or not remembering my name when we have met more than once before when I’ve been wearing mascara.

I find spending time with people that are consistently offended to be very stressful. It’s all very heavy when the context is that the statement was something ‘borderline’ that the perpetrator claims was intended as a joke. Indicate your negative reaction, point out that it’s inappropriate, articulate why, and move on. There’s only so many times you can hear about something being “problematic” before you’re like “Whey hey! I’m going home to look up Billy Connolly telling dwarf jokes, and it’s ON YOU.”

I didn’t want to end on a borderline-offensive note, but let’s see if you were listening.

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