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April 15, 2013 | by  | in News |
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MAD MDMA MAN

In a story that will have you snorting (with laughter), British doctors have released the details of a patient suspected to be the world’s biggest user of ecstasy. The 37-year-old man, who took 25 pills a day at the height of his use, had taken over 40,000 pills throughout a nine-year bender. The man developed severe panic attacks, recurrent anxiety, depression and muscle rigidity, and was also a heavy user of cannabis in addition to solvents, benzodiazepines, amphetamines, LSD, cocaine and heroin. However, the man was oblivious to these problems as he had little to no short-term memory—a result of his drug use. Whoops!

HONK IF YOU’RE HORNY

William Blakely defied conventional wisdom last week, proving that men can multitask in an elaborate highway manoeuvre. Blakely, the former Vice-Mayor of Mount Carmel, Tennessee, managed to simultaneously honk his horn, masturbate, and drive at 90 miles per hour, indecently exposing himself to three separate women. “At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window] … he was masturbating … and that’s when it got really, really bad,” said one of the women. Say what you want about Blakely, but you can’t deny his sex drive.

RESTAURANT GOES BUST

The term ‘breastaurant’ has been trademarked by the Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill restaurant chain in Texas. The eatery came up with the name after intense R&D(D) sessions, to represent its (presumably female) servers being dressed in bikini tops, jean shorts and cowboy boots. The restaurant is known for cheap jugs (of beer), from which patrons enjoy the odd nip(ple) from the bra (not a typo). The breastaurant did not respond to Salient’s queries on cup size.

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This Ain’t a Scene it’s a Goddamned Arm Wrestle

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