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April 29, 2013 | by  | in News |
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LOL News

ICE ICE BABY—NOT ANY MORE!

We’ve all had that moment where we worry about whether the person we’re about to have sex with is our cousin. For Iceland’s closely-related population of 300,000—who are not as frigid as one might think—this is all too common a concern. Enter Íslendinga-App, an Android app which allows potential coital partners to bump phones before sounding an “incest alarm” if the lovers are just a bit too close (genetically speaking). The app is currently rated four out of five on the Google Play store; readers can form their own conclusions as to why this is. And by the way, if you read the first sentence without batting an eyelid, what the fuck.

CHILDREN GIVEN THE STRAP

A disturbing insight into the mind of a New Jersey junior-high-school principal has been provided last week, after said principal banned girls from wearing strapless dresses to the school dance. Principal Moffat told parents strapless dresses would be “distracting” to boys. Female students plan to flout the ban and flaunt their shoulders; male students were too distracted to comment. Salient calls for the school to uphold the Second Amendment rights enshrined in the US Constitution: the right to bare arms.

FORMULA FOR SUCCESS

Two Floridians with a nine-month-old child stole over US$90,000 worth of baby formula in a six-month period, according to state police. The baby formula was sold online 60 per cent below market value. This would have netted $36,000 for the couple, money likely used to fund their painkiller addictions which set them back over $215 per day (a cost of approximately $39,237 over six months). In all likelihood, the child is now looking forward to both being well-fed and a few formative years in foster care. Not LOLing now, are you?

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This Ain’t a Scene it’s a Goddamned Arm Wrestle

: Interior – Industrial Soviet Beerhall – Night It was late November and cold as hell when I stumbled into the Zhiguli Beer Hall. I was in Moscow, about to take the trans-Mongolian rail line to Beijing, and after finding someone in my hostel who could speak English, had decided