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April 15, 2013 | by  | in Opinion |
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Secret Diary of Kim Jong-un

I miss my daddy! I have watched every single episode of The O.C. ever, so I know all about the five stages of grief. Just like Summer after Marissa died. Right now I’m at the ANGRY stage. People are saying really mean things about me on the internet. Mostly about my hair. They said it looked like Daniel Day-Lewis’s moustache. MY HAIR IS NOT A MOUSTACHE. AAAARGH. Dad would love my hair. He had a great sense of style.

I’m new at school and I don’t like it. On the weekend all the big kids had a party but they didn’t invite me and I feel really angry. Like the Hulk. Di-di, do you know what else made me really mad this week? Margaret Thatcher. She went and died and people stopped watching me! Like come on, everyone thought she was dead already. That’s not news. Since I didn’t get invited to the party on the weekend, I’m finding it really hard to make friends. It’s tricky ‘cos there aren’t many people as cool as me, you know? ‘Cos like, none of my old friends have the power to blow up the rest of the world so they’re sooo 2010. Boring. I just want someone to play Risk with! Nanny says someone called Donkey from New Zealand said he’d play. At least she thinks that’s what he said. All she could hear was “hee-haw”.

Dad left me some pretty cool toys to play with and I know how to use them because I love Homer on The Simpsons. Homer is my best friend. I love donuts, and Homer loves donuts. I thought I would show Obama the cool toys I found but he said he doesn’t want to play and it made me really angry. HULK SMASH. But then I thought maybe he just thought my toys weren’t cool enough. ‘Cos he probably has really cool toys, too. So I showed him some more. I’m a bit confused though ‘cos now all the popular kids are bringing out their defensive strategies. I DIDN’T INVITE THEM. But I think maybe this means I’m ‘in’, so I guess I’ll keep playing and when I win, I’ll celebrate by riding my imaginary horse. Op op.

Okay, time for Battleships with Nanny. Keep cool after school, Kim.

Love,
Yourself.

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Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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