The rise of the gaytriarchy following New Zealand’s legalisation of marriage equality has now reached France, which became the 14th country to allow equal marriage rights last week. French marriage-equality campaigners have hailed the victory: “It’s Nice for bigots Toulouse”.

Labour has put a spanner in the works of the Mighty River Power share float, announcing an audacious plan supported by a lot of Wellington bloggers and very few economists. “Won’t somebody please think of the shareholders!” exclaimed the right-wing.

Apple’s net profits have fallen for the first time in over ten years, down to just US$9.5 billion from $11.6 billion last year. In other worrying financial news for the tech giant, its $137 billion of cash reserves only earns one per cent, or $1.37 billion, in interest each year.

The Mississippi Elvis-impersonator suspected to have sent President Obama a poison-laced letter has avoided doing the Jailhouse Rock as charges were dropped. The FBI’s Suspicious Minds were proven incorrect after finding no evidence at the man’s home or on his computer to link him to the crime.

Unusually high levels have been recorded after measurements were taken. The levels have caused concern among monitors of such recordings, prompting alarm. Further measurements will be taken.