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May 13, 2013 | by  | in Opinion |
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Bent

“Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant and die. Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up. Just don’t do it, promise?
Okay, everybody take some rubbers.”
– Coach Carr, Mean Girls

Mean Girls’ Coach Carr may be a caricature, but if you look at what we’re really taught, not just in America but here too, Carr’s words aren’t as much of a stretch as they might initially seem.

Most of us are taught in school that sex is for making babies and if we’re going to do it at all we have to use protection; otherwise we will accidentally have babies and/or catch something nasty. This black-and-white approach may include some puberty facts, condom demonstrations on sticks, awkward and outdated educational videos, and, of course, your teacher rolling their eyes (but doing nothing else) at every homophobic gay butt-sex joke, but at the end of the day we’re told that sex can be risky and there is one right way to do it.

Missionary position, condom on, on the pill just to be safe, boy + girl.

This is so wrong it makes me want to laughcry. Safe sex is essential, yes, but fun, exciting, emotionally safe sex is equally important. We need to be taught about the sex we’re actually going to have so we don’t end up, as most people I know did, learning about sex from porn.

Sex is messy and fun and embarrassing. It’s blow jobs, awkward moments when you try to deep-throat too much, kissing nipples and feeling bum holes. It’s hugs, kisses, consent, tongues in ears, grinding, oral, vaginal, anal, in your hand, on your chest and all over your face. Having this defined notion of a right and a wrong way to have sex is a limit and a pressure doing more harm than good.

I needed to learn in my sex ed class that the first time I had sex might be with another guy, that we would need to use lots of lube and probably make a mess. That it would take ages for my sphincter muscles to adjust and that the first few times I got fucked it would feel like I needed to pee. My flatmate wanted her sex ed class to tell her that lube is fun, even if you’re young and straight; that it doesn’t have to be able to go in first time like it does it in porn, and that if she put her feet in the air while she was lying on her back then it was suddenly way easier to take that dick.

Everyone’s sexual experiences are unique, and open discussions about sex being a diverse, positive and personal thing are what we need. We aren’t all able-bodied, straight, cis-gendered, vanilla people. We deserve to be taught properly so that we don’t have to make so many mistakes trying to learn what sex really is on our own.

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