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May 27, 2013 | by  | in Features |
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Real Life: My Boyfriend Is an Alien!

Some people are more focussed on their love lives than their studies. 20-year-old BA/LLB student Jennifer just might one of those people, but who could blame her? Her relationship is out of this world! Jennifer is dating X’jhorg, a tall, slimy and handsome fellow from Alpha Centauri. Salient caught up with these star-cross’d lovers.

How did you two meet?

I was out walking one night. I was really craving some fresh air after being in the library all day, and I ended up at the Botans. Suddenly, I was blinded by a strange light. After a minute or so, it dimmed and… there was X’jhorg. He was slithering around, making crop circles, and giggling to himself. He’s such a trickster! I love a bad boy, so after I stopped being paralysed with fear and an inability to comprehend his existence, I gave him my number. A week later we went out for coffee, and well—things kind of escalated from there! Soon enough we were walking down the street arm-in-tentacle and alienating (ha) our friends with our affection and in-jokes. Zbgggrr!rrll, isn’t that right, honey?

How long have you been together?

It’ll be six months next week. It’s going so great! He even met my parents recently. I was really worried about how they’d react. I mean, I think the way X’jhorg unhinges his jaw to swallow his prey whole is just adorable, but you know what parents are like! Anyway, they live in Palmerston North so we went to stay during the mid-trimester break. It was a little awkward at first; my mum wasn’t very happy when he left a thick trail of mucus on the carpet, and my dad is still kind of uncomfortable with him being thousands of light-years older than me. There was also this incident where X’jhorg tried to eat one of the neighbours. I think they’re starting to come around, though! I’ve stopped getting voicemails of my mum crying.

Dating has its challenges, doesn’t it? What are some of the challenges you’ve overcome as a couple?

Well, there’s obviously a lot of stigma to deal with. People don’t know how to react to seven feet of quivering hunk! We get a lot of stares, and even some harassment. An old woman passed out when she saw us on Lambton Quay the other day. It’s really hard sometimes. I just want a romantic walk along the waterfront, eating gelato with my beau, but people either attack us or call the police! And getting dinner reservations anywhere is a nightmare.

That, and X’jhorg “doesn’t see the appeal” of Ryan Gosling. But you really just have to accept and cherish the differences in a relationship. That’s what makes it special.

What about some of your highlights?

We’ve had some pretty special moments together. We went on a camping trip and he hunted and pre-digested all our food! There’s nothing quite so romantic as a marinade of your lover’s enzymes.

I also really love how devoted he is. He basically never looks at anyone else, and if he does, I know it’s because he’s assessing their nutritional value. He’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. He’s always there for me, and I know I can rely on him. I was having a girls’ night with some of my friends and this creepy guy in Hope Bros wouldn’t leave me alone, so I called X’jhorg. He materialised on the stage straight away. I mean, he did try to liquefy the guy who was bothering me, but he was just trying to help.

And, well… I don’t want to be crude, but the sex is incredible. Let’s just say he really knows how to work that proboscis.

Do you have any relationship advice for our readers?

Sure! The thing which has helped us the most is really taking the time to get to know and understand each other. For example, X’jhorg knows that Benny is my favourite X Factor contestant, and I know that X’jhorg’s third arm is only for ritual space worship.

Communication is also super important! I had jaw surgery so I can speak Hjkhg better. It’s the small sacrifices that really make a difference.

This is a question for X’jhorg. What’s your favourite thing about Jennifer?

kkkkkkkkKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKRRRRRRRRRJj’ko. HJJGJGRR. GW; PRJGJXX.

Thanks so much for speaking with us today, you two! Salient wishes you all the best for the future.

Jennifer and X’jhorg have won Salient’s Couples Retreat prize pack. They’ll enjoy a romantic getaway courtesy of Jetstar and Colin Craig.

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