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May 20, 2013 | by  | in Features |
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Salient’s Guide to Get-Rich-Quick Schemes

If you’ve ever sat in the Hub, tearfully transferring 71 cents to your cheque account in order to buy a $1.90 can of Diet Coke, you’ll know how poor being a student can feel. But never fear! There are plenty of ways to get rich quickly, without resorting to putting Google ads on your One-Direction-themed tumblr.

 

Stripping:

Wellington has a plethora of strip clubs that would be willing to take yo’ fine ass on. They’re always advertising, and if you succeed, customers will place actual cash on your body. As previously reported in Salient, there are already a number of Vic students funding their way to wearing graduation robes by taking theirs off.

Spam emailing:

Create a spam email and send it out to as many people as you can. If you email two million people a certain percentage is going to HAVE to fall for it.

StudyLink/Accommodation Benefit:

There are a multitude of ways you can acquire money from the Government. An easy way to gain start-up capital for your future money-making ventures is ‘course-related’ costs. If you know anything about apps, you could create one or blackmail someone into giving you the intellectual property to one. You could also use your course-related costs to invest in the stock market or property: buy up all the shares from the Government’s asset sales.

Cut off a finger:

“ACC allegedly has a healthy payout.” – says a bleakly certain Salient co-editor.

Pawn all your belongings:

Sometimes money is better than material possessions. Of course, due to the city’s draconian anti-streaking laws, you may have to spend some of that money on new material possessions.

Living costs:

If you’re living at home, save it up and put in a short-term investment. Take it out again when you go flatting and learn what being poor really feels like.

Claim your tax back:

Tax-e-for-me.

Steal from the University:

The Uni has multitudes of stuff to steal and sell. Try hawking the free VUWSA bread to people in Aro Valley—they’ll buy it if you tell them it’s organic, vegan, and gluten-free. The library has far too many books to be useful: you can make a tidy sum by selling them off at Arty Bees or online. Next Open Day or O-Week, steal a bunch of pens/lollies/Post-it notes/beach balls/bottle openers, and set up a black market (online or off) to profit from your stock.

Sue a big company:

1. Bring a clump of hair next time you go to McDonald’s. 2. Place it in your soft-serve. 3. Contact the media.

Charge people to join your club:

You know the Hypothetical Government Club? How much better would it be if everyone paid $20 to get their own mini fez? People go mad for that shit. Spend the profits on matches, to burn all fezzes.

Become the favourite grandchild:

Grandparents are known for being generous, and they are also most likely going to die before you do. Go figure.

Write a memoir talking about drugs and sex:

In 2003 James Frey wrote an autobiography titled A Million Little Pieces discussing his past of drug abuse, alcoholism and crime. He sold over a million copies. It was later revealed most of the events in the book were false and the book was hailed as “A Million Little Lies”, but he still made a ton of money. You could do this; people love reading about others’ dramatic/drug-addled/tragic/sex-filled lives/lies.

Get into online poker:

In cyberspace, no one can hear you scream (in delight at pocket aces). Unlike other forms of gambling, in poker you’re playing against others, not the house, so it is possible to consistently win. That said, because it’s primarily a game of skill, luck will only take you so far, especially against Swedish kid-geniuses. There are plenty of websites where you can practice playing with fake money before graduating to the real thing: definitely try this first.

Sell food to stoners during munchies hour:

À la Ross’ plan in Friends. Shouldn’t be much of a problem at Vic.

Sell things online:

Invest in some fake iPhones and put them on Walk in Wardrobe: the law around this is murky. The worst you’ll get if caught is getting banned from the group; that ain’t no thang if you make fake Facebooks though. Also popular are charms, iPhone cases, fake designer wear and those colourful keyboard covers. A more legitimate way to make some money online is to start a store on a website like Etsy. Etsy kids love dream-catchers, jerseys with woodland creatures on them, Simpsons paraphernalia, crocheted blankets, and stickers of Kanye’s tweets. If you can loot your grandparents’ house and sell off their old books, silver, picture frames, teacups and teapots, and embroidered cushions, you’ll make a mint.

Become a fortune teller:

All you need is a half-convincing Romanian accent, some crystals, silk scarves, and a gullible/ironic audience. Try folk fairs or music festivals.

Adopt a new health-food fad:

Maybe all those hemp-wearing, unwashed hippies in Aro Valley have it right. Go to Commonsense Organics and bulk-buy their latest grain/juice/herbal remedy, then hang around Aro Valley looking happy and healthy, yet also wan and anti-establishment. The local residents are so weakened by their kale and chia-centric diets that convincing them of its magic (and the heavily inflated price) won’t be too hard, as long as you use buzzwords like environment, earth, natural, and society.

Pretend to be a Sheikh from the UAE:

A modern twist on the classic Nigerian Prince. It won’t fool your friends, but might catch out a few Gerrys, and let’s face it, it’s what they deserve.

Become the next big ‘entrepreneurial socialite’:

Invest time and money in creating and maintaining a personal brand: change your name to something quirky and distinctive, which strongly implies a connection to a hotel magnate—’Sally Trump’, anyone? Channel the Kardashians, Paris Hilton, or the Ridges for a local inspiration. Try dating a famous sports player—you can get married and divorced, or just use them to get a reality TV show. Either way, soon you’ll have enough capital to start up a clothing line and get a signature fragrance.

Start a free student magazine:

(disclaimer: results may vary).

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