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May 6, 2013 | by  | in News |
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Stay Classy, World

As 100 inmates continue their hunger strike, Obama has renewed his vow to close Guantanamo Bay. In other world news, Kim Jong-un renewed his vow to exterminate the American serpent devil. Salient is unsure which will occur first.

The new Italian Government has been sworn in at the Presidential Palace in Rome. While former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is still a minister, the swearing-in ceremony did not include him swearing he didn’t hire prostitutes.

The landing gear from one of the hijacked planes used by terrorists during 9/11 has been found in New York, prompting renewed calls on Fox News in opposition to an Islamic community centre near Ground Zero. While you can’t milk a cow for 12 years, it appears you can continue to milk 9/11.

In other mosque-based fear news, mosquitoes are even more dangerous in sub-Saharan Africa, as researchers have found that the parasites responsible for malaria are becoming resistant to the most common anti-malarial drug.

Moments after the release of a new Government policy, hacks from both sides of the political spectrum finished their merit-based evaluation of the proposed scheme and confirmed their respective party lines. “It’s just what this country needs/doesn’t need,” spokespeople said.

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