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May 27, 2013 | by  | in Features |
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The Salient Guide to the Zodiac

Here at Salient we take astrology (as with all of the sciences) very srsly. We already judge people based on what they wear, say, eat, listen to, and update their Facebook about, so why not look to the stars to take a little mystery out of your personal relationships? Here is the Salient guide to the zodiac for beginners. We’ve also included a love-and-sex matchmaker, so if you’re in a hurry to find out if they’re THE ONE, quickly Facebook-stalk the birthday of your current lover/crush/friend-with-benefits and find out if the two of you are star-cross’d lovers.

 

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 – Feb 18)

Ruled by Uranus, Aquarians are the forward-thinking trendsetters of the zodiac. They are often quite book-smart, and tend to study hard. As an Aquarian you’ll most likely have a quirky fashion sense and get a little bit crazy sometimes. They like to use their intellect to help people, and often fall into careers like law, humanitarian work, political activism, or rocket science.

Celebrity Aquarian: Dancing for her audiences while at the same time promoting the budding careers of eight-year-old Nicki Minaj impersonators, Ellen DeGeneres is the perfect example of a quirky, humanitarian Aquarian.

Love and sex with an Aquarian: Good communication is the key to a successful relationship with an Aquarian. They’ll love a partner who matches them intellectually and is open to exploring new things.

Given their love for the quirky they’ll probably enjoy some kinky dress-ups (think naughty aid worker or randy rocket scientist).

Hates
– Small-mindedness
– People with their heads in the clouds
– Miscommunication

Loves
– Technology
– New ideas
– Ur anus

 

PISCES (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Pisces are the most sensitive and intuitive of the zodiac signs, often described as the dreamers. They are often highly creative people, who tend to be a lot more intelligent than they are perhaps first perceived. And ladies, you’re in luck—Piscean females are often regarded as being very attractive.

Celebrity Pisces: Star of the silver screen and classic beauty Elizabeth Taylor loved love so much, she got married eight times.

Love and sex with a Pisces: Sex with a Pisces will always be more aptly described as ‘lovemaking’. These fishy fellows are rather good in bed, although you’ll have to spoon and cuddle them if you want to keep them happy. Pisces love compliments, so make them feel special and you may just be blown… away.

Hates
– Confrontation and violence
– Restrictions
– Decision-making

Loves
– Being creative
– Freedom
– Love (Pisces are très romantiques)

 

ARIES (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Ruled by Mars, the planet typically associated with war, Aries are strong-willed with a quick temper. They make great leaders, are easy to get along with, and will often have lots of friends… but if you piss them off you’ll definitely know about it.

Celebrity Aries: Following a rocky relationship with rehab, Robert Downey Jr famously placed himself firmly back in the spotlight when he signed on to the Iron Man trilogy in 2008. Asked about his Oscar prospects, Downey Jr once responded, “No matter how you slice it, I’m getting one”.

Love and sex with an Aries: For Aries, sex can be like a competitive sport, and these people are notorious for kinky hotness between the sheets. Aries are ruled by the head, so for brownie points, give them a head massage… or even better, just give them head.

Hates
– Sitting still
– Being ignored
– Failure

Loves
– Money and opulence
– Winning
– Fast cars

 

TAURUS (Apr 20 – May 20)

Taureans are just like the bull: stubborn and headstrong. Although this means that a Taurean may charge if someone waves a red flag at them, their strong will also makes them incredibly loyal. Although they are determined when it comes to achieving their own goals, when it comes to other work they can be notorious procrastinators.

Celebrity Taurean: Suave, sophisticated, and independent, George Clooney is your typical Taurean. Swearing after his divorce in 1993 that he would never marry again, this headstrong bull will not back down once he’s made up his mind—which explains why the 52-year-old is still one of the hottest bachelors around.

Love and sex with a Taurean: Taureans are cautious with their hearts; it takes time and planning for a Taurean to truly fall in love. Sex is another matter. Imagine a charging bull—when it comes to lovemaking this is an image that springs to mind with a Taurean in the bedroom.

Hates
– Change
– Flashy, over-the-top things
– Being provoked

Loves
– Home life
– Being surrounded by comfort, nice things
– Security

 

GEMINI (May 21 – Jun 21)

Gemini are the social butterflies: they flit from friend-group to friend-group endlessly and are the life of the party. Although Gemini make great friends and are loyal, they can also be regarded as rather self-centred, and it can be hard to capture their attention for long! Symbolised by the twins, Gemini can be at once self-assured and cocky, while at the same time deeply insecure.

Celebrity Gemini: You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who is a bigger fan of Kanye West than Yeezy himself. But Kanye’s ego also has an insecure twin—his ex recently hit the gossip mags claiming he is extremely vulnerable, constantly needing people to tell him he is the best.

Love and sex with a Gemini: Relationships with Geminis will always be fun, but you will have to work very hard to keep your Gemini interested in a committed relationship for a long period of time. Sex with a Gemini should be interesting as they love risqué-location sex—think on top of the washing machine or in the Kelburn cemetery, reow!

Hates
– Being told what to do
– People touching their shit
– Restrictions and rules

Loves
– Travelling
– Socialising
– Being the centre of attention

 

CANCER (Jun 22 – Jul 22)

The Cancerian loves nothing more than to entertain, but only if it’s in the comfort of their own crab-hole. Home is truly where the heart is for these intuitive and imaginative people. They can sometimes seem a little bit cold, but this is just their outer shell protecting themselves from being hurt or teased.

Celebrity Cancerian: It’s no wonder Cancerian Selena Gomez is so enamoured with Justin Bieber: the Biebz is a Pisces and these water signs are destined for a good match. This Disney princess really loves a good party; with hits such as ‘We Own the Night’, she really is a typical Cancerian crab.

Love and sex with an Cancerian: Tenaciously loyal, Cancerians will go to extreme lengths to protect the ones they love. Sometimes they can be sensitive and moody, so make sure to spoon and cuddle them regularly to avoid crabs.

Hates
– The cold
– Mockery
– Advice

Loves
– Home
– Parties
– Good manners

 

LEO (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Leos are represented by the lion, the self-proclaimed King of the Jungle. Just like a lion, Leos love to roam around, proudly displaying their great hair and prowess in and around the waterhole. These people are good leaders, with a lot of ambition and personal magnetism.

Celebrity Leo: The strutting, egotistical Mick Jagger is a typical Leo. His charisma, charm and personal style have won him fans around the world for decades. This Leo leads the rock industry and at age 69 continues to inspire.

Love and sex with a Leo: Leos fall very hard and very quickly in love. Leos are generous and loyal partners known to shower their lover with gifts and attention. No doubts about it, in any relationship Leo will definitely be wearing the pants!

Hates
– Being ignored
– Lies
– Being one-upped

Loves
– Themselves
– Praise
– The spotlight

 

VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Virgo is represented by a virgin, which translates in their naturally conservative nature. Virgos are typically perfectionists; they will either be highly organised and perfectly on time, or leave everything until the last minute, but either way will get the job done to a high standard.

Celebrity Virgo: A typical Virgo, Michael Jackson was the ultimate workaholic. His 2009 documentary, This Is It, was not released until after his death, as Michael became obsessed with the flaws he felt were in the film. “I’m never pleased with anything, I’m a perfectionist, it’s part of who I am”.

Love and sex with a Virgo: As the perfectionists of the zodiac, it can be hard for Virgos to find someone who meets their high standards—they’d rather be alone than settle for second-best. These types are not in for frivolous one-night stands; you’ll have to work hard to woo and court a Virgo. We’re talking dinner, flowers, personalised crosswords—the works.

Hates
– Being uncertain
– Sloppy or unfinished work
– Being sick

Loves
– Hygiene
– Order
– Crossword puzzles

 

LIBRA (Sep 23 – Oct 23)

Represented by a set of scales, Librans are the ‘balance’ of the zodiac—whatever you have to say, a Libran will always offer the contrasting opinion, whether or not they actually hold that view. This ability to see a situation from every perspective allows Librans to charm and get on easily with a wide range of people, but this approach to life can make them indecisive and unreliable.

Celebrity Libran: You love Snoop Dogg. Your grandma loves Snoop Dogg. Everyone loves Snoop Dogg, and with his easy-going attitude and charm, Snoop Dogg is a true Libran. Perhaps it was Snoop’s interest in justice that influenced his recent name-change to ‘Snoop Lion’ as he embraces the peace-and-love Rastafarian movement.

Love and sex with a Libran: Librans love romance. The best way to seduce a Libra is to light a candle, play some laid-back Snoop Lion and let your Libran lover take control. For bonus points, pop open a classy vino and serve a cheese platter… this will have serious aphrodisiac effects.

Hates
– Making decisions
– Hard work
– Isolation

Loves
– Beauty and romance
– Relaxing
– Justice

 

SCORPIO (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

Scorpios live in a world of black and white; there are no grey areas in between. These resourceful and observant people are often quite secretive, hiding their true feelings to themselves, and it can take a long time to earn their trust. Break their trust, and it will not be taken lightly.

Celebrity Scorpio: Sexually charged… Ryan Gosling… need we say more?

Love and sex with an Scorpio: Scorpio are the most sexually charged of all the signs, and it’s no coincidence that the body parts associated with the sign are the crotch and reproductive organs. However, while Scorpios are bound to provide a sting (of a sexy not an STI nature) between the sheets, in relationships, Scorpios are noted for being protective, possessive and jealous.

Hates
– People holding them back or getting in their way
– Weakness
– Fake people

Loves
– Controlling
– Competition
– Loyalty

 

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

Sagittarians are represented by a half-man, half-horse centaur. These people are highly intellectual and love to travel and find answers to the world around them. They sometimes offend by coming off a bit blunt, but usually have lots of friends and an infectious enthusiasm for life.

Celebrity Sagittarian: “Honey, what’s the point of being in the suburbs if you’re not going to fuck a gardener?” – Samantha Jones, Sex and the City’s resident Sagittarian.

Love and sex with a Sagittarian: Sagittarians love their freedom, so if they stick around you know they’re really into you. Keep things impulsive and spontaneous with your Sagittarius lover. Sex with a Saggi should be an adventure.

Hates
– Complacency
– Procrastinating
– Restlessness

Loves
– A good debate
– A leadership role
– Learning answers to things

 

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 20)

Represented by the goat, Capricorns are the hard-working, ambitious members of the zodiac. Capricorns are extremely dedicated to their goals. Just like the goat, who loves to climb to the tops of mountains, Capricorns want to get to the top of their chosen field so that  they can reap the benefits of success; namely fame, prestige, and money.

Celebrity Capricorn: At 88 years old, Betty White is at the top of her fame game. This Capricorn has worked long and hard to reach the top but is reaping the rewards. While most people retire around 65, there is not stopping this old goat.

Love and sex with a Capricorn: Capricorns fall in love slowly. They are usually cautious with sex, but when it happens you can expect it to be frequent and satisfying.

Hates
– Details
– Goals
– Goats

Loves
– Laziness
– Cheaters
– Being tricked or made a fool of

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