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May 6, 2013 | by  | in Opinion |
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Things that Go Bump in the Night

Dear Lux,

I’m sorry to have to complain about this but it’s being bothering me for a long time now and came to a head (haha) sometime last week. The distribution of orgasms between partners is completely and utterly slanted to favour the boy. The amount of times we (me and several different boys over the years) have been going at it and he exclaims “I’m close!” and I respond with something like “Oh yes, come for me!” is innumerable. The problem is that he doesn’t return the favour. It still bothers me that both partners don’t come every time (‘cos this would be ideal) but not only that, it is overwhelmingly the boy. The few times I have had this lovely experience, I got so nervous because of the pressure I felt to come quickly that it prolonged the fact and further decreased the chance I was likely to be granted that opportunity the next time. This has occurred not only in brief encounters but in long term, serious and loving relationships. Something seems seriously wrong about that. If I ever left him hanging like that I would never live it down. It is as if it is my responsibility to make him come every time and me coming would be an added bonus to my day. A couple of weeks ago I was lucky enough to find a new sexual partner and we began having hot sex. As expected, he had come about five times and me only once after the first week. I casually mentioned it to him while we were texting one day (I would never dare approach it in person) and he actually took it really well. He said that was selfish of the boy and he would change that. That night I anticipated wild pleasurable sex. On the contrary, he again proved to become one of the numbers. After murmuring “Thanks” after a handjob (and coming on my boobs might I add, the lucky guy) he rolled off me and promptly went to sleep. I was utterly appalled. That was already the second the time he had come that night, me still resting at zero of course. The night the previous week when I gave him three blowjobs (yes in ONE night, that’s right) came back to me and I couldn’t help but think what a selfish bastard he was. On walking myself home at 6.30 the next morning and eating cupcakes to console myself before going to sleep, I realised something would have to be done. Someone would have to be told. So I hope this achieves that action and perhaps you can shed some light on how this problem can be made a little better. From someone who is genuinely sick of doing it alone and wishes a man would make her come too, like he should.

Put-Out, Pipitea

 

Dear Put-Out

You are not alone. I can promise you that you are not the first person to feel this way in your relationship, and you will not be the last. At the most general level, men find it easier to get off than their female counterparts for a number of reasons; whether this is because procreation requires male orgasm, the female mechanics are somewhat less ‘user-friendly’, or because of the stigma attached to female sexuality will differ from one sexual escapade to the next.

The first thing I would recommend is learning what gets you off; if you can’t come on your own, you will find it more difficult to come while having sex with a partner. This will make it easier for you to communicate to your partner where to put in the effort. You will have a better feel for what positions make it easier for you to feel relaxed, and be able to touch yourself or have him touch you in a way which will bring you to orgasm.

Secondly, tell your partner what feels good and what you want more of—this can be as simple as moaning encouragingly when he’s on the money, or as direct as asking him to slow down if you sense he is reaching the point of no return. It may seem less daunting to mention what you need from your sexual relationship in a text message, but I assure you that if you offer a little direction in the throes of passion, it is far less likely to go unnoticed or forgotten. You’re also better positioned to get into specifics when you are in the moment. If your partner is coming too soon, encourage him to let you know when he’s close to blowing their load, and then rather than telling him to come for you, tell him he is not allowed until you do: slow things down and make him go the distance.

Lux you long time xx

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