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June 4, 2013 | by  | in Features |
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Dessert Date Diary

John Key: David; here, you’ve got to try a bite of this lemon cake. Oh, wait. Is it carrot? I can’t recall.

David Shearer: I hope no one sees us here.

JK: What are you worried about? No-one’s going to vote for you, anyway. Come on! Everyone already knows you like to have your cake and eat it too. Remember that time you forgot to declare your UN bank account with $50,000 in it?

DS: Good to meet you Pot. I’m Kettle. Remember when you forgot phoning Ian Fletcher? Remember whether, or rather when, he briefed you on Kim Dotcom?

JK: My mum brought me up in a state house—

DS: You can’t keep using growing up in a state house as an excuse for being an arsehole, John. You’re just talking out of your mouth.

JK: Well, yes. Where else should I talk out of? Look, I’m just saying that no-one’s going to go for a far-left Labour-Green Government. Everyone knows when you mix red and green you get brown.

DS: Russel said he thought it would look good…

JK: Ahaha! Or a happy little place where fruit meets loop.

DS: This is politics, John. Not primary school. Banoffee pie? No? The other day I was down at Robertson Road School, making porridge for the kids’ breakfast…

JK: So why should I provide food in schools, if you’re doing it already? I bet they didn’t even eat it. Porridge? Yuck. The National government isn’t into dramatic change, as you can probably tell from the Budget. We’re about starving this week to save $1 to spend next week. I don’t expect you to understand that, David. It’s economics.

DS: Yes, but what happens in the meantime? If you starve yourself for a week, you’ll die.

JK: What are you talking about? I’m not starving; I’m eating cake. So anyway, I was thinking: forget porridge. We’ll give all the kids Weetbix, right? Feed them up ‘til they’re big and strong, and then sell them off to other countries as All Blacks. Bingo. Exports. Ka-Ching!

DS: I suppose it was only a matter of time before you tried to sell our people. Let me guess. You want to refrigerate them too, in case they have to sit awhile in the ports of China?

JK: Not all of them! Just the poor ones.

DS: More tea? Do you take sugar? How much is a pot of tea these days, anyway? I need to know how much the people are forking out.

JK: Four dollars.

DS: FOUR DOLLARS?! That’s it. When I am Prime Minister, the Labour Government is going to buy all the tea, and sell it back to the people for a reasonable price.

JK: You can’t just nationalise everything, David. That’s too easy to understand. You need online registrations of interest. A website that doesn’t work. You need to talk about stock markets. Trade. Confuse them a little. You sound too sensible. I guess it doesn’t really matter. No wonder no-one’s voting for you. You can say what you like when you’re never going to have to follow through. Heck, come to think of it, you can say what you like all the time when you own the media, as well. Textses. Aushtraya. Troty!

DS: I wonder if I can get some more milk. Do you think the waitress knows who I am? Actually, better not risk it. I’ll get it myself.

JK: Look at you, standing up! You’re a real stand-up guy. What’s that? Me? A stand-up comedian! Oh David, stop it!

DS: I didn’t say anything.

JK: Pardon? Hey, what do you think of my next sensational joke? Here’s how it goes. You pretend to give me a hard time about Aaron Gilmore, you know, shouting like you do – great stuff after the Budget announcement by the way. Anyway, so you bring Aaron up again, and I’ll say, “If Aaron were a type of cake, he’d be a scone! Because he’s gone!”

DS: Do you think they’ll get the cake reference?

JK: Well, yeah. See, look over there – what’s that on the table? Is that … is that a tape recorder?

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