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June 4, 2013 | by  | in Arts Film |
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Major Asshole

Porn. The final refuge for indecency, immorality, and lewd behaviour. Here there are few boundaries. Genitalia is abundant and whirled about with confidence. Decrepit sexual acts are performed by people who have thrown aside morality in favour of satiating their lust for orgasmic pleasure. It’s now time for Salient to throw off the shackles of “good taste” and give in to our gnawing base urges. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to review porn.

Porn hasn’t typically been a very accurate barometer of social progress or changing sexual norms. Sure, its mere existence might represent a more liberal attitude to sex, but it remains predicated on bizarrely impersonal notions of human sexuality. Steven Scarborough’s Major Asshole is a sad continuation of this trend. While a functional display of male sexuality, it fails to build any sort of erotic atmosphere, instead relying on trite stereotypes to stimulate its audience.

The story is, unsurprisingly, shallow, acting as a pretext to 20 minutes of fantastical penetration. A private (Jackson Wild) is called in for a verbal scolding by Major Asshole (Brandon Bangs). What starts off a simple conversation soon transforms into some elaborate sexual penance, with gobbies, rim jobs, and good old anal fucking! Unfortunately, the overt message underlying the plot is troubling, and relies on a remarkably heteronormative view of what gay sex involves. Throughout the proceedings, the feminine private is the willing plaything of the major, seemingly glad to pleasure his heterosexual superior. I don’t know about you, but I certainly do not have fantasies of being a ‘straight’ guy’s sex toy. After years of marginalisation and discrimination, gay-porn audiences deserve a more realistic portrayal of their sexuality than what Scarborough offers up.

In a more positive (and shallow) sense, both the men involved are relatively attractive, and don’t lack for impressive endowments. I cannot deny that the sight of Bangs’s gleaming (if pasty) chest and large cock did cause my heart to race. Wild isn’t quite as muscular, but does manage to remain hard throughout the film (uncommon among bottoms). They aren’t supermodels, but as far as porn actors go, you could do a lot worse.

However, Bangs’s obvious heterosexuality serves as a massive turn-off, simply because it’s clear that his pleasure is limited to the paycheck waiting offscreen. He’s more interested in ‘plugging the hole’ as opposed to satisfying the man attached to it. Moreover, both Bangs and Wild are appalling actors. Unconvincing bleats of “Yes, sir” and “Give it to me!” are repeated ad nauseum, just so you know that they are both in sexual heaven. It is forced and it shows.

Moreover, the action is also patently unrealistic. Bangs throws the private onto his desk and proceeds to ‘pleasure’ him with sheer brute force. My question is, who on earth would want to be drilled like a jackhammer? Additionally, some of the positions on display are more uncomfortable than alluring. Sex on a desk seems like a bizarre fantasy; my back is already crook and I’m not aggravating it just for a few minutes of physical jubilation. It comes off as a lot of contrived fucking, which isn’t especially erotic.

To top it all off, the poor production values make it extremely difficult to even focus on the aforementioned action. The framing of shots is relatively poor, making the act feel like a mechanical exercise in shoving fleshy bits into orifices rather than an expression of intimacy.

Extreme close-ups of penetration certainly convey the physical force of intercourse but little else. Pounding on flesh-coloured sacks of jelly would produce roughly the same effect. There’s no warmth or soul to the proceedings, and you never get a sense that actual human beings are involved in (or enjoying) this act.

In the end, Major Asshole comes off as an overly mechanical and narrow-minded rendition of gay porn. Sure, the actors possess large members and they certainly fuck with vigour, but this doesn’t equate to good porn. Scarborough has stripped an innately intimate act of all its emotional heft. View only if you have a desperate need to relieve sexual frustration.

2/5

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