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June 4, 2013 | by  | in Features |
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Salient’s Cheap Holiday Thrills

– VUW has lots of DVDs, so you can avoid using up a month’s broadband limit in your first week.

– Get drunk.

– Start next trimester’s readings early.

– Unprotected sex.

– Change your drinking habits—meths and turps are cheaper per standard than vodka, for example.

– Put off expensive things until the end of the holidays and then just don’t do them—just like you do with assignments.

– Switch up your sexuality for a few weeks.

– Hibernate.

– Fall in love (requited).

– Fall in love (unrequited) (cheaper).

– Move home and sublet your flat. Literally tens of people want to live in Wellington at its most rainy.

– Take a holiday in Waikanae. You can train/bus there for like $10.

– Using a child Snapper during school hours is both thrilling and cost-effective.

– Have an existential crisis/devote time to figuring out who you really are.

– Watch every single episode of Seinfeld.

– Start a blog.

– Work on your personal manifesto.

– Go home and revert back to being an angsty teenager/completely ostracise the one high-school friend you have left.

– Sleep with someone during the first weekend. Spend the rest of your holidays regretting it.

– Knit something/learn to knit.

– Explore the Deep Web or enter a YouTube/Wikipedia K-hole. Do extensive internet exploring (aren’t we all internet explorers?) Beware of anything deeply disturbing.

– Work on your personal brand.

– Get vajazzled.

– Now is the season for magic mushrooms (I think). Take some and have an experience.

– Join a Buddhist monastery – free food and accommodation.

– Go skipping gaily through rolling meadows – more fun than walking and less strenuous than running.

– Create a series of pseudonyms and write strongly worded letters to the editor in the Dom Post on some pressing issue. A nice way of having a very public argument with yourself.

– Doubt yourself.

– Finally admit to your socialist friends that you have a beach house, and go there with them.

– Bitch about Tobey Maguire being cast in Gatsby.

– Think to yourself, “why wasn’t ‘Toby’ phonetic enough for his parents?”

– Find a kid that you know and take them to the zoo and make them sandwiches and love them for a day, then give them back to their parents and convince yourself your ‘career’ will be ‘satisfying’.

– Sleep with your friends—it will probably be fine.

– Fringe Bar.

Come Dine With Me omnibuses.

– Pasta.

– Switch internet browsers for three days, then realise that whatever you were using before was better.

– Reread The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants; feel miffed at your inability to curate sister-like female friends.

– Work the whole time so that you don’t have much of a holiday but are able to pay rent (REAL TALK).

– Listen to R. Kelly’s ‘Real Talk’.

– Take up PUA.

– Spend a few days on the lawn pretending you’re at Splendour in the Grass.

– Make jewellery out of macaroni.

– Start a cult.

– Learn the words to the Barenaked Ladies’ ‘One Week’.

– Buy Raro juice sachets, rate them all by taste, colour and thirst-quenching ability. Post results on your specialised juice blog and/or Facebook.

– Spend a week telling everyone they HAVE TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES “BECAUSE ITS LIKE THE BEST SHOW EVERRRR”.

– Visit your nan. She would love a visit. It’s the least you could do.

– On the first night of the holidays, aim to stay up all night. Only go to sleep as the Sun rises. You’ll be so exhausted that you’ll sleep through the day. Repeat this pattern; listen solely to The National; go for runs in the dark in strange suburbs; have a complete mental breakdown.

– Spend your time at home trying to get to the bottom of your grandparents’ sordid secrets/horrific war stories. Teach them how to use Facebook. Add them on Facebook. Post outrageous drunken pictures. Go to their house high in the middle of the night, pretending to be their ghosts. Tell your parents that this is all for a reason.

– Perform a slam-poetry rendition of ‘Alice’s Restaurant Massacree’ at every open-mic night in town.

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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