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July 29, 2013 | by  | in Opinion |
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Things That Go Bump in the Night

Sometimes when my bf’s playing with my clit it feels pretty damn good for a while, but after that if he keeps going it all starts to get too intense and uncomfortable, but if I tell him to stop he gets upset and doesn’t want to have sex anymore. How do I explain to him that it’s not his fault?

 Understandably, it is hard for most men to understand what it feels like to have a clit; plus, no two clits are the same. This can make it difficult for them to treat it just right. First thing’s first, make sure you know how you like to be touched, what works for you and what doesn’t. This will mean rather than telling your partner to stop when things become too intense, you can steer him in a direction of what feels really good and what is going to help you to orgasm. If he gets angry when you tell him to stop, it’s likely he is a little discouraged and maybe he is upset that he isn’t turning you on. It may help to express that it feels awesome, but would feel even more awesome if he was more gentle, slower etc. Rather than emphasising what feels bad, make an effort to let him know when he’s on the money.

One thing that can help show your partner how to get you off is to let him watch you pleasure yourself. Maybe suggest he sit back and observe. He can see how you touch yourself, at what speed, in what order, and how your body responds. Firstly, this will provide him with some pro tips and tricks from the leading authority on your body, plus, chances are he will really enjoy himself too.

Sometimes it is just wishful thinking to expect someone to pick up on subtle hints, especially when it is something as personal and variable as a human body. The majority of the time, if you speak up and explain what isn’t quite right and how to make it better, your trusted sexual partner will be more than happy to oblige. Opening up these lines of communication will give you more to work with when it comes to exploring and improving your sex life. At the end of the day, communication is key, and it sounds like your partner could learn a thing or two in that area as well. Getting angry and refusing to have sex isn’t the best way to deal with miscommunication.

I wish you and your clit all the best in finding just what you’re looking for.

Lux

 

I’ve just started seeing someone new and I’m really into them but they like role play and I’m not so sure… Do I have to dress up? Where do I get a costume from? Do I have to talk in a different voice or something?

I seem to find myself writing this a lot, but it’s the most important thing about sex and relationships, so it bears repeating: you have the complete right to say no to anything sexual. If someone wants you to do something you’re not comfortable with, you don’t have to! You shouldn’t feel bad for not indulging someone else’s kinks, no matter how tame or adventurous they may seem.

That disclaimer out of the way, if you do want to try it, you don’t necessarily have to dress up. It may be that your partner has some very specific fantasies involving a complex series of costumes, or it may be more simple, like a scenario, or even a different power dynamic. Same goes for different voices – maybe they’ll want you to do your best Jar Jar Binks impression, or a vulnerable schoolchild voice (clichéd), or maybe they’d prefer you to use your own voice. There are no hard-and-fast rules here, and part of the fun is exploring and trying new things.

The best thing to do, rather than worrying about it yourself, is to talk about it straight-up with your partner. Maybe they’re not into it after all, or maybe they’re into something that you didn’t realise you enjoyed! If you’re comfortable with it, I encourage you to try new things, and to try them a couple of times (this is a good rule for everything, but especially true of sexual things – something you’re not super-into the first time may be way better the second time when you’re not putting so much pressure on yourself).

Where do you get a costume from? As I said, you may not want to use a costume, but if you do want one, you can get sexual-themed ones from online and real-life sex shops. For anything else, I guess it’s no different to finding regular costumes – you could get them from a costume shop, or make them yourself!

If you are going to experiment (after a proper out-loud conversation with your partner), then I wish you the best of luck! If you decide you’re not comfortable doing so, well done for examining yourself, working out what you’re into, and letting your partner know.

Love,

Seymour  x

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