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August 19, 2013 | by  | in News |
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A REAL MARE FOR A DRUNKEN SLAPPER

In news straight from the horse’s mouth, a Houston woman was jailed for four days last week after slapping a horse in the mouth.

Diane Harvey was asked to empty her cup of beer by a police officer riding the horse, which had blocked her way after she tried to evade the officer. It is not known why the long face angered Harvey.

When asked whether the blow hurt, the horse replied “neigh”.

AN AUSLOL IN AUSPOL

Australian opposition leader Tony Abbott made an arse of himself last week, mistaking the word ‘repository’ for ‘suppository’ in a speech in Melbourne.

“No one—however smart, however well-educated, however experienced—is the suppository of all wisdom,” Abbott told a Liberal Party event, apparently not meaning to refer to the type of pill ingested anally.

Abbott’s Liberal Party is still leading in the polls: his gaffe has not made him an enema of the state, and even better, this sentence provided Salient a great excuse to use a colon.

A LONG ZIMBAB-WAY TO GO

As African states continue to get the hang of democracy, Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe has interpreted it literally, telling opponents to “go hang” after his victory was disputed.

The fairness of last month’s elections is being contested by opposition parties, after Mugabe’s rural strongholds had near-100-per-cent turnout rates compared to the opposition’s urban electorates, which had rates near 60 per cent.

“After their death, even dogs will not have their bodies for meat. They will sniff at their flesh, and pass on,” Mugabe said of his enemies, describing his victory as a “mystical thunderbolt”.

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