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September 30, 2013 | by  | in Arts Games |
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A Grand Moral Theft

As our usual reviewer is far too busy being financially thrifty and responsible about exams to have played Grand Theft Auto V, we’ve subcontracted out this week’s review. Susan, a 45-year-old mother of two small children and self-professed expert in Rockstar’s newest phenomenon, is here to tell you all whether GTAV is worth throwing your life away for.

I first heard about Grand Theft Auto when Daisy, the wife of my son’s soccer coach, brought it up over coffee. She said she’d bought her son Tristan the new video game he’d been wanting, and now my son was playing it with him. I asked what it was, and the next words ended our friendship forever.

Grand Theft Auto V!

How dare she let my son have anything to do with that horrible game? I’d heard about it on TV and seen the posters all over town. My teenage daughter said there were some of the posters up at Victoria University and on Cuba St last time we talked. I bet she was trying to ask me for money for this filthy thing, and I don’t need her to have another bad habit! The posters all show violent men doing frightening things, pornographic things, even! One of them has tattoos on his neck, of all places. Another one is wearing a suit and looks respectable, but I bet he’s a murderer. That’s just the sort of game this is—everyone is reprehensible, even if they look nice.

I couldn’t bear to play this game myself, but because I was writing this review and deeply wanted to report with integrity, I watched Tristan play Grand Theft Your Children’s Innocence for five minutes before screaming. Here are some of the disgusting things I saw:

  • A huge world with cities, mountain ranges, farms and suburbs—all filled with hundreds of criminals and no doubt horrible people.

  • Characters who shouted at each other too much about things I didn’t understand.

  • Cars that drove too fast and didn’t care about their carbon emissions.

  • A seven-year-old boy quickly becoming a murderer by sitting on a couch playing a video game.

I’d seen enough—this ‘game’ was the worst thing I’d ever seen. I went home with my son and didn’t say a word to him in the car. Needless to say, he was grounded for a month and I promised to extend that if he even thought about running over a prostitute or hijacking a plane. I put on my night-cream and eye-mask and went straight to bed, hoping I wouldn’t have any nightmares.

Grand Theft Auto V is terrible, and I can’t think of a single reason for it to exist!  I strongly believe it will corrupt the minds of the children who play it and turn them into socially maladjusted demons. Why can’t they all just play the same games in the street that we did as children, instead of touching this video shame?

I couldn’t sleep, so I watched some good wholesome TV. SVU was on—nothing helps me relax like its graphically realistic descriptions of murder and sexual violence!

Thank God I didn’t have to touch that game to give it this rating:

Negative 5 stars

 

Pros:

– Nothing

– It’s disgusting

– Why would anybody want to play this filth!

 

Cons:

– The entire thing

– It made my eyes hurt with flashing lights

– The fact that wholesome rock stars abandoned their music to make this exist

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  1. Tony Smith says:

    Seriously? Lighten the fuck up. If you’re in a relationship with anyone, you might occasionally want to strangle that person. Does that mean that you’ll do it? Of course not! It’s the same thing with GTA. Will you run someone over just because a game showed someone doing it? No!

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