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September 30, 2013 | by  | in Opinion |
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Fixing Your Life (Because Ours Are Written Off)

In a display of indulgence reminiscent of the Palace of Versailles the week before the French Revolution, we decided to answer for you not just one but many questions, that have been asked time and time again, by your fellow googlers. (Not a euphemism.)


“How do I un-bake a cake?”

J – Tell it to have a pie and a sleep, and then wait a month before it takes a drug test.

H – Look, baking a cake is a chemical change and cannot be undone without seeing a shooting star, rubbing a lamp, or collecting all seven Dragon Balls.

“How do I love thee?”

J – You don’t, really, but sometimes when I don’t talk to you much at parties you get sad and wonder whether you’re secretly in love with me, but then it turns out that you were kind of just drunk.

H – Worst of all, I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

“How do I take a screenshot on mac?”

J – Command + Shift + 3.

H – Get your iPhone out.

“How does one become a lord?”

J – Accident of birth. Note: this does not mean the entire House of Lords were ‘happy accidents’.

H – Donate a lot of money to the victorious political party in the UK.

“How does one get pinkeye?”

J – By being a white mouse.

H – It takes a couple of years of effort, but with dedication you’ll get there.

“How does one become a saint?”

J – I read this in the sense that a scarf or a colour can ‘become’ you, like ‘look good on you’. The best way to ‘become’ a saint, then, is to perch on their shoulders and smile.

H – Become a Catholic and drop miracles like stacks in the club.

“How does tinder work?”

J – It doesn’t work.

H – It’s driven by the power of nervous laughter.

“Why isn’t the sky violet?”

J – Physics. Don’t ask questions.

H – Because God hadn’t reached his disco phase by Day 2.

“Why isn’t Pluto a planet?”

J – Why aren’t 48May Grammy-winners?

H – You can’t argue with science, okay? Let it go.

“How am I to be?”

J – This kind of existentialism makes me nauseated.

H – Que sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future’s not ours to see, que sera sera.

“How will I know?”

J – When you actually hear the tree falling in the woods and making a sound. But that isn’t the formulation. So, to sum up, never.

H – I’ll tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree.

“Is it possible to change eye colour?”

J – Just comment the colour you want, then like it, then re-vine it.

H – See above re: pinkeye.

“Is it possible to predict earthquakes?”

J – Yes, you just say “NOW” every five seconds.

H – Only for Tinie Tempah.

“Is it possible to live on Mars?”

J – Twix would probably have more fibre.

H – Anything is possible in the world of human technology.

“Can you ever just be whelmed?”

J & H – I think you can in Europe.

“Can you ever run out of sperm?”

J – Nah, I hear that shit is viscous.

H – No. But that hasn’t stopped anyone from trying.

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