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September 16, 2013 | by  | in News |
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Stay Classy, World

Tony Abbott has been elected Australia’s new Prime Minister, proving the Australian election cycle has done more in the past two weeks to stop the flow of New Zealanders than John Key’s National Government has in the past five years.

George Zimmerman, fresh from being acquitted of the murder of Trayvon Martin, has run into a spot of bother after threatening his wife with a gun and punching her father. The reports have come as a complete surprise to anyone with their head buried in the ground.

Rafael Nadal beat current world number-one Novak Djokovic in four sets to bring an exciting close to the US Open. 23,000 spectators filled the Arthur Ashe Stadium in New York to watch two sweaty men exchange a small yellow ball between each other over a net, which was reportedly set at waist height.

Things are beginning to look up in Syria, as Apple announced two new iPhones in California last week. While it’s not exactly clear how the announcement will help solve the conflict which has now claimed over 100,000 lives and created more than two million refugees, commentators have mentioned that the new iPhone 5S will have a fingerprint sensor.

A couple dining at a restaurant last week were asked to leave after being “too fucking depressing”. A fellow customer complained to restaurant management after becoming fed up with the listless ambience surrounding the pair: “They just weren’t even talking to each other, it totally spoilt my brûlée.”

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