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October 14, 2013 | by  | in News |
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Stay Classy, World

The US Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency have funded a robot which can outrun Usain Bolt. The cheetah-shaped robot would probably be useful if the US ever decided to run away from the prospect of a war.

Also in war news, Team America World Police briefly invaded two countries last week, kidnapping a man from Libya and attempting to kill another in a raid in Somalia. The Somalia raid saw Navy SEALs swimming away into the night after the mission went wrong; Salient is unsure whether the SEALs also bathed on rocks.

Just weeks after taking office, the Australian Prime Minister has had to defend expense-related allegations after he used Government funds to attend two colleagues’ weddings, and sporting events. Allegations of such impropriety are sure to be welcomed by Abbott, who usually has to deal with allegations of sexism, racism and homophobia.

Sonny Bill Williams last week opted out, and then back into, playing for the Kiwis in their Rugby League World Cup defence. With Sonny’s indecisiveness, the ‘will William Williams or won’t William Williams’ speculation will probably continue.

A student overheard talking to friends last week is reportedly “looking forward to exams being over”. Exams, a biannual period of University tests, are widely regarded by the University’s student population to be “shit” and “fucked”.

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