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October 14, 2013 | by  | in Features |
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The Political Year in Review

Jordan McCluskey – @JordanMcCluskey

January

The year started with the truffle shuffle reshuffle. Kate Wilkinson was dumped in the delayed aftermath of the Pike River tragedy, and Phil Heatley for pretending to be the Count from Sesame Street. They were replaced by the rising star of Nikki Kaye, and old Nelson warhorse Nick Smith, back in Cabinet after being sacked in 2012 for vouching for a friend on Ministerial letterhead to his government department, ACC. (Protip: this is not a good idea, and is not advised).

February

Parliament resumed, but controversy was stirred outside it by NZ First MP Richard Prosser. Prosser complained about how the extensive security precautions designed to stop terrorists from the made up country of “Wogistan” caused him inconvenience in airports. Twitter then spun into overdrive over who could condemn him the most. Prosser wisely apologised and tried not to be offensive for a while, which would be quite hard for Dick Prosser.

David Cunliffe and his supporters were demoted for planning a supposed coup d’état against Labour Leader, David Shearer. Charles Chauvel, thinking Cunliffe will never be leader, and that he will never be a Minister, quit Parliament.

March

The Mighty River Power shares went up for sale on the New Zealand stock market. The Supreme Court also ruled in favour of the Government regarding Māori water rights, meaning the MRP sales and other sales could go ahead without any further legal challenges. The share float was a success, raising billions of dollars for the government.

Russel Norman, saddened that the share float has been a success, that evening alone in the moonlight, ate his quinoa and brown rice salad then cried a single free-range organic tear.

John Key visited Latin America to try to sell them more of our butter, cheese, milk and state-owned assets. He also wore a series of funny hats and dodged Hugo Chávez’s funeral. Close one.

Dame Susan Devoy was appointed Race Relations Commissioner. No word on whether David Tua or Michael Jones will be the next Reserve Bank Governor.

April

The GCSB affair began, and dominated the news for what seemed like forever. Outside the Wellington beltway, people thought GCSB stands for “Good Catch of Snapper Bylaw”, and were happy they would be allowed to catch more fish.

In the best thing to happen this year, the bill to allow marriage between two people regardless of their gender passed its third reading and became law. Maurice Williamson, an old white National MP, became a gay icon for destroying the ridiculous arguments to those opposed to the love of other people.

Labour and the Greens released their NZ Power policy. It shocked the electorate, giving them a different kind of buzz about power policy. The Government was momentarily thunderstruck.

Legendary Labour MP for Ikaroa-Rāwhiti, Parekura Horomia, passed away. A man beloved by all MPs, his loss was felt keenly by those who knew him.

May

Aaron Gilmore set back the image of the National Party 20 years by getting shitfaced at a party conference and threatening to have a waiter fired by using the classic, “Don’t you know who I am?” Aaron was National’s lowest-ranked list MP, who, unlike most new MPs in the 2008 intake, never became a minister or a select-committee chair, and was let nowhere near anywhere he could do any damage. His ‘career’ was a flicker of stupidity in our national life, [Gil]more or less. He quit Parliament less than two weeks after making the comments.

Oh yeah, the Budget passed too.

June

June was an absolute cracker, mate.

David Shearer said during the Ikaroa-Rāwhiti by-election that Labour would “terrorise” its opponents, in an area that was part of the Tuhoe terror raids.

Peter Dunne’s party registration was revoked, and then he resigned as a Minister rather than hand over his emails between himself and journalist Andrea Vance. You could say he was adVANCEing the cause of privacy, but it was a sad day for bow ties.

Ross Robertson MP announced he will retire from Manukau East in 2014, prompting many people to go, “Who the fuck is Ross Robertson?”

The Labour Party got a Meka Upload, with Meka Whaitiri winning the by-election in Ikaroa-Rāwhiti. Green activists in Wellington wondered why their tweeting failed to get the Green candidate Marama Davidson elected.

July

Pita Sharples resigned as Co-Leader of the Māori Party, but remained a Minister because he had to pay his mortgage.

A policy was leaked that would not allow men to contest every Labour Party selection for parliamentary seats, aiming for a 50-per-cent quota of women in the Labour caucus. A policy not without its merits, but it was roundly lampooned in the media and David Shearer publicly disowned the policy. The drums began to beat on the left for the removal of David Shearer.

August

Labour announced a policy, nicked straight from xenophobes NZ First, that would ban foreigners from houses. As the policy would exempt Australians, and as Australians buy the most houses here, the policy was essentially pointless posturing.

Fonterra ruined New Zealand trade with China forever pretty much by declaring that some dairy products shipped there contain botulism, a deadly bacteria. The opposition milked this blunder for all it was worth, but it turned out the botulism scare was bullshit.

The Government announced new housing policies that will perpetuate the housing boom… while the Reserve Bank prepared its LVR policy which will end the housing boom. LOL.

In a televised debate between John Key and John Campbell about the GCSB, the Prime Minister dominated. This forced the left to take a bloody hard look at David Shearer, and they didn’t like what they saw.

David Shearer resigned as Labour Leader on 22 August 2013.

September

The Labour Party subjected the entire nation to a long, drawn-out, American-style leadership primary. David Cunliffe, Grant Robertson and Shane “Tightfist” Jones promised kitchen sinks, free cats, and their own grandmothers if the party chose them as the next leader.

Tony Abbott became Prime Minister in Australia. Became very quiet about boats all of a sudden. Funny that.

In a date that will be mentioned in the History textbooks of schoolchildren for generations, on 15 September 2013, David Cunliffe became Leader of the Labour Party as was foretold by prophets when he was born under a double rainbow and a meteor shower.

Grant Robertson refused (or is not offered) the deputy leadership. He began to plot in case of a 2014 loss…

October

The Government, under attack by a competent Leader of the Opposition who isn’t shit, began to look a bit wobbly. Beset by foes on all sides, the potential for a third term had decreased. Ultra-fast broadband implementation, the share float and Kim Dotcom presented but a smattering of the political problems the Government must neutralise.

John Key headed to APEC in Bali. Key was told off by Xi Jinping over the Fonterra contamination scare, and was snubbed by Vladimir “Rides Bears” Putin.

David Cunliffe told the CTU conference the next Labour Government will deliver a trade-union bucket list… then told journalists only if the Government can afford it. Clever guy, that Cunliffe.

November and December Predictions

Key and Dotcom run into each other in a sauna, hug it out and the Government drops all the charges against Kim Dotcom.

Phil Goff retires, causing a by-election in Mt Roskill, to become a full-time alpaca farmer in Clevedon.

Judith Collins decides to be a bit nicer to Labour MPs; several hospitalised with severe shock.

Tip Top brings back Tropical Snow.

A clampdown on beneficiaries doing something when the Government gets in trouble.

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Comments (2)

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  1. Regan says:

    “The MRP share float was a success”.

    Yeah, not really

  2. Brenda Smith says:

    You must have inherited your cynicism from your beloved grandfather, Jordan. Good work though.

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