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March 10, 2014 | by  | in Homepage Opinion The Bone Zone |
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Birds & the Bees

I want my boyfriend to fuck me when I’m riding the crimson wave. It is the time of the month when I want it the most, but he just seems terrified. What do I do?

Oh honey, if I had a dollar for every time I’d been cock-blocked by my period, I’d be Making. It. Rain. I’d also have suffered a lot less sexual frustration in my time. (Seriously womb, do you have to stage a full-on evacuation on the first day in four months when it looks like I might be getting some?!)

Aside from causing me serious distress, however, I can’t say that my pez has ever made me feel particularly horny. Generally, I’m so cramped and crabby that I’m surprised anyone wants to talk to me, let alone bang. But, dear reader, you are not alone! A brief consultation with Dr Google tells me that wanting to shag during Shark Week is a fairly common phenomenon, and is likely caused by all the buzzy shit going down with your hormones. What’s more, period sex is also said to reduce cramping and make your period end faster!

So, what to do? First things first, it’s totally natural for your boyfriend to find the whole bleeding thing a little weird – remember how terrifying your mum’s period chat was when you were ten? That being said, just as you and I got used to the monthly fanny fountain, so should he. If he makes you feel dirty or ashamed about being a fertile goddess, then tell him where to shove it. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Even if your man doesn’t feel comfortable having sex as you normally would, it just takes a little creativity to ensure you both still get to have a good time. I refuse to subscribe to the idea that period week = blowjob week (sorry, guys). Next time Aunty Flo comes to visit, you could try…

  • Sex in the shower – it’s hot, heavy, and clean all in one!

  • Throw down a manky old towel on the bed and get your guy to wear a condom so none of your lady liquid touches his precious penis.

  • If he’s not convinced by the protection a thin sheath of latex will provide, try banging with a strap-on or get him to do you with your dildo instead.

  • Make your clit the star of the show – put a tampon in and get him to rub/vibrate that delightful ball of nerve endings silly.

  • DIY: wank like you’re a teenage boy who’s just discovered Brazzers.

Finally, a wee word of warning: never, never, fuck with a tampon in. Sure, you might naively think that leaving one in is a great solution to your intercourse impasse – a wee cotton dam to stem the flow while you bone. Not so! Not only is ramming the tam going to be really uncomfortable, but you also run a very serious risk of getting it stuck up there. Don’t think that’s possible? Go talk to someone who’s paid good money to get one removed by a medical professional.

Good luck,

Cupie xx

 

If someone I know definitely wanted to conduct some mutually beneficial business, does it make me a terrible person if I go for it, even though I’m pretty sure she eventually wants some kind of long-term investment, but I don’t?

Dear Eligible Bachelor(ette) of Commerce,

Just like distressed debt, this is one hella high-risk investment. If it all works out, this mutually beneficial business could be an overnight success – but the chance of a crash is very high indeed.

While it might be a pleasure doing business with her now, unless you make it completely clear that you intend to cash in quickly, your bargain will be an unconscionable one. The parameters of your agreement must be set out in no uncertain terms prior to engagement.

In short, if you don’t want to destroy her business confidence, and you’re sure that you’re only in it for the tap’n’gap, then maybe it’s best that you diversify your portfolio. Seek out short-term investment with some liquid ass-ets elsewhere, until you’re ready to commit to her in the way that she wants.

Yours,

Ms Hoodwink (MBA)

Not enrolled in ECON130? Translation: If you’re after something casual but they want a relationship, then you gotta cover your arse, and tread with caution. Let them know how you’re feeling BEFORE you bang. Even then, you have to ask yourself – is it worth the heartbreak? Trust me, you’ll find DTF galore on Tinder/Grindr/Blendr.

——

Got your own question for Cupie? Ask her about all matters of the heart… and other romantic organs anonymously at ask.fm/CupieHoodwink.

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