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March 3, 2014 | by  | in Opinion The Bone Zone |
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Birds & the Bees: How to Have Sex at University

Hello and welcome, my dearest sugar plums, to Birds & the Bees. I am Cupie Hoodwink, Salient’s go-to gal for sex, love, and e’rything in between in 2014.

First things first, if my title got you titillated, let me be frank: if you came here looking for locations to bang on campus, you’re flat out of luck, I’m afraid. 1) That shit’s kind of illegal – especially if it’s somewhere obvious, like the computer labs, where you can’t say you had a ‘reasonable belief’ no one would see you. 2) Wellington’s already exhausted its quota of warm days for the year; sex in the graveyard will give you genital frostbite faster than you can say “Blue balls”. (That being said, if you’re willing to risk both life and limb for some campus coitus, I’ve heard both the computer labs and the graveyard are popular choices.)

Nope, I’m talking about what it means to have sex (or not), and to fall in (or out of) love during your time at this fine institution, you scholarly scamps. For me, coming to University meant being able to bone without the risk of my parents walking in, and then throw out the used condom without the risk of the family dog dragging it out of the bin, tearing it up, and leaving it for all to see in mortifying shreds around the house. But aside from the wonders a room with a lock on the door will do for your sex life, sex at university is about freedom.

It means words like ‘slut’ and ‘frigid’ no longer carry the weight they did in high school (hint: they’re bullshit). It means that what other people do with their bodies isn’t your business – you’ve got your very own one to be getting on (and off) with. It means that it’s not about who you love, but how you treat them that counts; it’s not about how much sex you have, but that you’re safe and happy that counts, and finally, that it’s not how big it is, but what you do with it that counts.

Obviously, all this freedom to fuck to your heart’s content can be both a blessing and a curse. Sex – just like love – should, in theory, be a whole heap of fun all of the time. But sometimes it just isn’t. Sometimes it’s confusing; sometimes it hurts.

You might have come to University a virgin, and after a week to check out the talent (or rather, lack thereof ) at your Hall of Residence, you’re thinking more and more that you’d like to stay that way. Perhaps the most stunning human being ever to grace the Earth has just moved into the spare room in your flat, and you’re unsure whether their sheer beauty alone amounts to a justified exception to the ‘Don’t Screw the Crew’ rule.
Maybe you’re realising that Wellington being really bloody small means that you’re going to keep bumping into your ex on Courtenay every Wednesday and Saturday and you just don’t know how to deal. Never fear! This year you can rely on Cupie for your weekly fix of all things love and sexetera: porn and rom-coms; long-distance and one-night stands; sex toys and sexuality; drunk texts and dating apps; jizzing and vajazzling…

And if you’re still perplexed, I’ll even answer your curliest questions right here in this column, and online at

Finally, if you’re planning on getting jiggy with it in any shape or form while you’re at Vic, there’s one test you’re definitely going to want to ace: your STI check. And while this test is even more important than your LAWS 121 mid-term, luckily for you, it’s also a hell of a lot easier to pass.

If it burns, stings, itches, smells, oozes, or is covered in a rash, get yourself along to Student Health quick smart. The staff are lovely, and have seen it all before; most of the services are free, and if you’re lucky enough to have a vagina, you don’t even have to get your kit off for an STI check – you just tootle off to the bathrooms and whack a swab up there yourself.

While you’re there, you can also pick up a condom prescription – for just $5 you’ll get so many that even if you use heaps as balloons for your flat-warming, and break a bunch of others trying to squeeze your entire head inside (LOL!), you’ll still have enough to do some serious bangin’. There’s also a big bowl full of fancy rubbers in the waiting room if a strawberry-scented schmang is more your style ; )

Until next time,

Cupie xx

Got a burning question for Cupie? Ask her about all matters of the heart… and other romantic organs anonymously at ask. fm/CupieHoodwink.

Got a burning sensation in your nether regions? Give Student Health a call on 463 5308, or pop in to their clinics at Kelburn and Pipitea.

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