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March 3, 2014 | by  | in Opinion |
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Conspiracy Corner

Greetings, true believer. My name/current alias is Incognito Montoya. I am a conspiracy theorist. Prepare to learn.

I believe the moon landing was staged, that 9/11 was an inside job (the plane came from inside the building), and that Lorde wrote “let me be your ruler” to establish a new unit of all-purpose measurement in her name. Hence this column. Where the Unternet and the Illuminati newsletter hidden in your junk mail have failed me, this space will distill and better promote the truth on so-called conspiracies, albeit gleaned from the newspapers and strung together on a wall. But you, dear leader, will be enlightened.

So why have I chosen to emerge from my newspaper-and-string-ridden dwellings now? Good, you’re already asking questions. The local conspiracy front had been pretty dry of late, until last week the king (or should I say Rex) of all conspiracies appeared on my radar. Last week, a concerned Auckland citizen mailed in a request to Parliament, asking for “any evidence to disprove the theory that Mr John Key is in fact a David Icke-style shapeshifting reptilian alien ushering humanity towards enslavement”.

Now, this is a serious charge, especially in this day and Age of Mammals. New Zealand prides itself on a  general attitude of tolerance for all sentient beings (save Australians, but then “sentient” is debatable in their case).

Interestingly, Key’s chief of staff responded by denying the cold-blooded proclivities of his overlord. Key also responded that he subjected himself to seeing both a doctor and a vet in order to confirm his humanity. His tongue may not be “overly long” in his words, but it certainly is quick, and I know a chameleon when I see one. The term “any evidence” to a seasoned crackpot is considered a challenge, and so I started to string theories to determine the truth.

If reptilians are already assumed to have reached positions of power across the globe, their agenda would naturally reflect their needs; warm temperatures to thrive in, for instance, which would explain the National Party’s lax attitude on combatting climate change. The Key Rex himself appears quite the dinosaur, being out of touch with our customs. If he considers “gay shirt” to be an acceptable insult in our time of evolving attitudes, his thoughts clearly don’t match the shapeshifting exterior. And speaking of exteriors, his average looks attest to a desire to blend in as much as possible with the humans of Aotearoa (or as it is known in the reptilian tongue, Gondwana Jr.)

So, should we accept our future under such a creature, the rare breed of politician who lies about his personal life?  You can rely on me, dear reader, to continue to expose the truth, my eye unblinking to the world as the reptiles that rule us. Incognito out.

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