Viewport width =
March 3, 2014 | by  | in Opinion |
Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

How to Grow a Respectable Beard: A Woman’s Perspective

For many men, a beard is a sign of wisdom and perseverance. Some men will even congratulate each other on their respective beard progress, remarking on the coverage, length and style. But do not be fooled into believing that men are the only people who openly discuss beard etiquette.

As a woman (this also applies to our queer male friends), the experience of sucking on facial pubic hair when going in for a pash is highly unpleasant. At long last, here are some femme tips on how to cultivate a respectable yet functional beard.

Stubble

It is totally understandable that your chosen style of beard will not become apparent until a substantial amount of growth has occurred. Often the hair will also grow in certain places quicker and thicker than in others. Yet it is at this liminal phase between pre-beard and beard that the most effort should be made in styling one’s stubble. If possible, keep everything tidy and at a similar length to show that you haven’t just let yourself go after a bender at Law Camp.

Style

Obviously, the hardest aspect of beard maintenance is style selection. Constraints on the styles available to each individual will vary depending on the location and speed of the growth. But if you are determined to embrace the Sainsbury ‘Stache even if it takes a month to achieve, then good gosh don’t let some Salient writer stop you!

However, when selecting the preferred style, it is an unfortunate truth that you will be immediately compared to famous men who have already paraded that same fashion in the past. To cope with this, I suggest picking a bearded person/character who you feel a particular connection with. Are you a Charlie Chaplin or a Hồ Chí Minh? (Note: either one of these still makes you a communist).

Maintenance

Using conditioner in your beard is thoroughly encouraged. Can you imagine the tender phalanges of a female exploring the curly locks which grow from your face? This sensual sensation will only be achieved if your beard is smooth, shiny and seductive.

Furthermore, anything that is not intentionally part of your beard – particularly around the mouth region – should preferably be trimmed away. Essentially, if you don’t want another human’s saliva in your beard, keep that shit short.

Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

About the Author ()

Comments are closed.

Recent posts

  1. SWAT
  2. Ravished by the Living Embodiment of All Our University Woes
  3. New Zealand’s First Rainbow Crossing is Here (and Queer)
  4. Chloe Has a Yarn About Mental Health
  5. “Stick with Vic” Makes “Insulting” and “Upsetting” Comments
  6. Presidential Address
  7. Final Review
  8. Tears Fall, and Sea Levels Rise
  9. It’s Fall in my Heart
  10. Queer Coverage: Local, National, and International LGBTQIA+ News
Website-Cover-Photo7

Editor's Pick

This Ain’t a Scene it’s a Goddamned Arm Wrestle

: Interior – Industrial Soviet Beerhall – Night It was late November and cold as hell when I stumbled into the Zhiguli Beer Hall. I was in Moscow, about to take the trans-Mongolian rail line to Beijing, and after finding someone in my hostel who could speak English, had decided