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March 17, 2014 | by  | in News |
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News of the World

A trio of Canadian porn channels have been fined for not featuring enough Canadian content. In the socialist paradise of Canada, each channel is required to fill their broadcasts with at least 35 per cent Canadian content – eight and a half hours a day for a 24-hour channel. The channels declined to comment, but presumably thought that Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?, set in Alaska, would totally count. Surprisingly, Canadian porn not only exists, but exists in abundance, with industry heavyweights Brazzers and Mile High Media both headquartered in Montreal. The channels only missed their mark by a matter of minutes, but were also fined for failing to provide closed captioning (for the hearing impaired) and audio descriptions (for the visually impaired). “We currently do not air any programming that would require Audio Description,” explained representative Jennifer Chen to the regulators, obviously not grasping the viral video potential.

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In other Canadian sex news, a charity is attempting to build a moose sex corridor. While Nova Scotia features a healthy moose population of 39,000, nearby New Brunswick has under 1000, and modern civilisation has prevented any of them from migrating for sex. Enter the ‘Moose Sex Project’, a charity initiative joining up 20,000 acres of land in an attempt to create a safe corridor for unsafe moose-sex. “It’d be nice if some New Brunswick moose go over and make friends in Nova Scotia,” explains interspecific wingman Andrew Holland, of the Nature Conservancy of Canada. Further south, a new San Francisco startup is flying New York women to the West Coast, attempting to fix the gender gap in Silicon Valley. So far, they lack charity status.

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In other adult animal news, vets in Australia have saved a dog’s life by taking him on a 48-hour vodka binge. Charlie, a Maltese terrier, was rushed to an emergency vet with ethylene glycol poisoning, probably from drinking brake fluid. “I can stop any time I want,” slurred the dog, before apologising for that terrible pun. “In Australia, the only antidote we have is alcohol,” explained staff from the vet, who live in a country with more poisonous animals than any other. Charlie vomited a little, asked for a VB, and passed out at various times, but made it out alive.

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