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March 24, 2014 | by  | in Opinion Shirt and Sweet |
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Shirt and Sweet

As the winter months approach with all of their grey shades and people wearing beanies who shouldn’t, it is easy to rely on the warmth of human company to get through. This is, aside from a rise in population-wide mucus levels, one of the biggest problems with winter. Human company is awful. Especially when you’re high. You don’t know what other people are thinking, but you’re pretty sure it’s about how you’re doing weird things with your facial muscles and you really really want like a warm tamarillo smoothie, maybe with chocolate chips, in and around your mouth right now, but you feel like that wouldn’t be socially acceptable. This is why it is very important to shun other people as much as possible and instead direct your shirtiness towards being cute for your own sake. Make yourself say awww, and then break something. Do it for yourself. Learn:

How to Survive the Winter A L O N E

This is probably one of our most resource-heavy exercises, and so I have gone to the effort of providing you with a materials list. Everything on it is of course optional, because you should under no circumstances let some girl you’ve never met tell you how to live your life. (If you have met me, you definitely need to do what I say because I am the reason you don’t want to be around people anymore.)

Materials:

  • Duvets. Feather duvets wherever possible. As many as possible.

  • Also pillows. Feather pillows.

  • Also feathers. Peacock feathers are best, because they make you think the word ‘cock’, which is funny, and also they make you look extravagant which is important if you actually do encounter another human being.

  • One of those cross-stitch kits that spell out a swear word or are a picture of genitalia or something. I think you can probably get them on Etsy, although I don’t really know what Etsy sells. An alternative to this is possibly setting up an Etsy shop selling stuff that people who shop on Etsy want to buy, and just getting rich all winter. That’ll teach other people.

  • Whatever body-maintenance resources you need (hygiene).

  • Whatever body-maintenance resources you need (food).

    • Suggestions include mostly stuff that isn’t green. Appropriate colours include blue, red and yellow.

  • Whatever body-maintenance resources you need (alcohol/drugs/both).

    • Winter-appropriate types of these include Baileys, Kahlúa and mulled wine, because you can have them warm. Bonus points for mulled wine because you have to be all cute and craftsy to make it. Weed, because it encourages you to put on a winter layer and is good for watching movies, and MDMA, because it’s just a really good trans-seasonal drug.

Essentially, once you’re shirty enough at everyone else to want to be cute just for yourself, all you have to do is follow my instructions. Take all of the ingredients from the above list that struck your fancy, put them in and around you (readers’ discretion what goes where) and probably just kind of roll around a bit. Alternate this activity with the development of weird habits pertaining to your own body. Possibilities include but are not limited to: building things out of your excess nail-growth (see Etsy shop set-up suggestion), braiding your flatmates’ rubbish into your hair, and extreme ‘nek level’ hypochondria which involves actually trying to induce the symptoms of the disease you are convinced that you have.

Imagine that three months have passed. Winter is now over. You emerge from your cave of feelings and substance abuse. Your social skills feel weak and floppy like old lettuce. So do most of your muscles. So does your hair. You are now a weak and floppy lettuce-creature. But the important thing, dear lettuce-creature, is that you are cute. You are the cutest lettuciest creature I’ve ever seen, and you did all that cute for you. You are now ready to face the tepid climes of spring. Reward yourself with some low-to-mid-level human interaction, but remember, don’t go overboard. People are still the worst.

Finally, I would just like to point out that it is a complete coincidence that these are also things that help you through a breakup.

 

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