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March 10, 2014 | by  | in Opinion |
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Shirt & Sweet

Dearest and most lovely readers (I’m being nice now so that I can be mean in some brackets later), the future will doubtless be bright and full of very exciting things that will make you happy and carefree and this is not what I want for you which is why we are not going to talk about those parts of the future. We can talk about your future though. Your hopes and dreams, your great loves and successes, your trials and tribulations and worries and I’m not being genuine. Your future is now and you have no choice but to do your own grocery shopping. This is why, over and above talking about your hopes and dreams, I’m going to teach you how to do your grocery shopping. And I’m going to teach you how to do it in a way that best supports the cute/shirty paradigm which I am trying so hard to embed in the heart of each and every one of Victoria’s best (and by best I mean miserly bunch) (and by miserly bunch I mean you). And so, without further ado:

How to Support the Paradigm While Grocery Shopping

First of all, I don’t want to alienate any readers and so if the cute/shirty paradigm is not your thing, I have included an alternative. If your paradigm jam is more of the intense/dangerous/a little bit crazy, I have something that may interest you. It’s a little game catchily named ‘freak out the checkout worker with the right combination of items’. If you want the fast track to weird looks, I suggest a pregnancy test and single coat hanger. (This one is especially effective if you’re a guy.) Another option would be fish fingers and custard, which will convince people that you’re a crazed Doctor Who fan and we don’t need to talk about how I know this.

However, if you actually do need to purchase legitimate life-sustaining items, you need a different way to uphold the cute/shirty paradigm. The first thing one must do when attempting to present to the outside world the reality of one’s deep-seated despondence for and annoyance at everything external (read shirtiness) yet also your complete eligibility for the role of fairy at a children’s birthday party, is wear the right facial expression. This facial expression will probably fall somewhere between quite stoned and maximum flirt level. Once this expression is fixed in place, the actual process of shopping can begin.

Now, if the items you need to purchase are by definition intimidating as well as indicative of cuteness, like a black leather studded kitten collar (letting people know that you are both punk and also a kitten owner), then you will not have to try so hard. However, if you need to buy toilet paper and carrots, the right facial expression will not be enough to help you. What you will need, is the full-deal body language. This demands an elongated neck and the direction of eye contact away from anyone else’s eyes. This will let everyone know that you are better than them, and the fact that you are buying toilet paper automatically makes that toilet paper better than theirs. Furthermore, a slightly exaggerated amount of attention paid to where you are stepping will reinforce your deceptive friendliness to onlookers. Also, be sure to leave your trolley in the middle of the aisle while stepping delicately to the shelves to retrieve your next purchase. Lead all of your movements with your toes.

However, I imagine that some of you perhaps want to utterly solidify your paradigm presentation, and so I will at this point share some potent knowledge with you. If you manage to smile a little, still not making eye contact with anyone, drifting a little through the sea of the supermarket, you will appear to anyone observing to be the cutest and yet also most disengaged and relatively unimpressed being in the supermarket. You will be annoyed but also comfortable and confident, and you will be shirty and cute.

If you successfully hold each of these in place, then you will have successfully upheld a paradigm during your grocery shop, and I am proud. Your future is bright.

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