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March 17, 2014 | by  | in Opinion |
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Shirt & Sweet

As a columnist for a respected (read: belittled) publication such as Salient, I feel it’s appropriate for me to bring some of myself as a writer into what I write. This actually has nothing to do with the fact that I write a column. It actually has to do with the fact that I’ve recently been through a break up and am at the point where I need to revitalise my ample ego in order to get myself through any given day. Anyway, we need to talk about Facebook. Not because Tilda Swinton is worried about it but because Facebook friendship is now the real friendship (just like the old people always told us) and people who only interact IRL inhabit a lower social tier. The point about Facebook is that it provides the perfect platform from which to construct yourself for others to see and be jealous of. We know this. We know about social construction.

(A note here for Sociology majors and others not in the know: ‘socially constructed’ is a buzz term. Use it. Combo it up with other terms and phrases like ‘Marxist perspective’ and ‘not all feminists want all men to die’. High score!)

As the rest of this issue will tell you (maybe), each of us is alone in this world. It’s just me (you) and Them. And that’s why it’s important for you to learn to socially construct yourself in a way that is most going to intimidate Them and/or make Them want to temporarily ignore the impossibility of forming meaningful human connections (in the form of genital contact). This is why you need to learn:

How to Flaunt Your Ego With an Agenda

Right, so the first thing you need to do in order to be successful in your endeavour is to prepare and print a nice copy of your agenda for reference throughout the day and also for the information of others you encounter. For example, your agenda may look a little like this:

  1. Intimidate others with forceful shirtiness so They won’t speak to you and you can avoid emotional connection.

  2. Do stuff with your body (cute stuff obviously) so that They think they’re in love with you and They will want to give you physical pleasure.

  3. Reconcile numbers 1 and 2 in a way that minimises the possibility of arrest.

It is recommended that you add a header and page numbers for agenda documents over three pages, and remember, always save the trees and print double-sided (unless your faculty specifications are fucked). Reducing the carbon footprint of academia is cute.

Once you have your agenda document printed on crisp, scented paper, you are ready to flaunt your ego. The hardest part of this will be doing it in such a way that people don’t realise that you’re a high-functioning sociopath and will still converse with you for periods longer than 12 minutes. Actually, sociopaths don’t like talking about themselves that much and are pretty good at blending into the general population, so if you follow my advice, I can cure your sociopathy! (Salient takes no responsibility for any happenings caused by sociopaths who think they’re no longer sociopathic and therefore don’t need to rein in their sociopathic behaviour.) Actually, while we’re here, can we just talk about how privileged sociopathic personalities are these days. Check your sociopathy privilege pls.

Okay, so anyway, tangents aside, if you ride a bicycle with a basket on it, you can basically talk about your own achievements as much as you like and people will still think you’re cute because you are cute because your bike has a basket on it. If on any given day you want to regard other people’s opinions less and broadcast your own excellency (royal or not) more, all you have to do is fill your basket with wildflowers.

Wildflowers and baskets will get you far if you have a big ego and like other people to know it. Wildflowers and baskets will also make you cute enough for you to develop a big ego if you didn’t have one already. Honestly. You can’t lose with baskets and wildflowers.

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