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March 24, 2014 | by  | in Opinion The Bone Zone |
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The Bone Zone

How golden is the golden rule ‘Don’t screw the crew’?

Well well well, it looks like it’s that time of the year when you’re all desperate to hook up but not quite desperate enough to actually go out and find someone who you don’t already know – or worse, already know and live with.

Just like any social rule that is oft-cited and delightfully rhyming (“Beer before liquor, never sicker”; “If it’s yellow, let it mellow”), there is certainly some truth to it – you didn’t think people just said it ‘cause it sounds fun, did you?

That being said, many rules are meant to be broken, and the sanctity of ‘Don’t screw the crew’ largely depends on what exactly you mean by ‘screw’, and the nature of your relationship with said ‘crew’.

For example, if by ‘screw’ you mean screw in the context of a serious relationship because you’ve suddenly realised, à la My Best Friend’s Wedding, that your BFF is, in fact, your soulmate, then an exception to the rule may be in order. After all, a strong friendship is a great basis for any relationship. However, if ‘screw’ is more closely aligned with “I’m lonely, horny, and banging my flatmate means I don’t even have to leave the house to get some”, then it may be best that you heed the word of the golden rule.

Secondly, and more importantly, the nature of your relationship with your intended screwee must be considered. Is this someone you see almost every day, and share everything with, or are we talking more a friend-of-a-friend situation? The key things to ask yourself are how much you value the relationship, how much you think sex will change the relationship, and whether the benefits of the screw outweigh the value of the crew. After all, Sunday brunch with your besties will never be the same when aioli is no longer the only white viscous fluid you’ve shared.

If you’re already living with the apple of your eye, your choice will be hugely affected by where you’re living. In a Hall situation, you’ve got a lot more leeway than in a flat, largely because you’ve got 300+ other residents, 20 floors of bedrooms, and a multitude of lounge rooms to assist you in avoiding each other if everything turns to custard. Friendships ebb and flow throughout the year in halls, so regardless of whether you bang your bestie from O-Week, chances are you won’t be talking to them by the time the year is out, anyway. And besides, it’d be cruel to deny yourself such a significant portion of Wellington’s eligible hotties.

However, if you’re in a flatting situation and have been making eyes over a mound of dirty dishes, I suggest you get out that lease you signed just a few weeks ago and have a good, hard look at it. Does it say “Fixed-Term Lease” anywhere on the document? If it does, this means you’re locked in until that lease ends (usually a year after you signed on. As in, a really long time to avoid someone when you’re both living in a tiny flat.) Remember, there’s plenty more fish in the proverbial sea, fish who don’t happen to live four metres away from you, and will continue to live there for the foreseeable future.

Be wise,
Cupie xx

hi Cupie wat do u do wif the balls during loving? Inside/outside? I hAv Been use tape to keep them from swinging thank you

Mate, first things first, you gotta stop with the tape. Trust me, there are solutions to your situation that don’t involve you having to razz your balls every time you want to bang.

What you do with the jewels when you’re getting jiggy is largely a matter of personal preference. Leaving them out and swinging free can add a new dynamic to your sex life. If you’re doing a lady friend from behind, for example, get the momentum right and your balls will swing forward and stimulate her clit as you thrust. Look ma, no hands! The added rhythmic slapping of yer sack against your partner’s flesh might also add a lil somethin’ somethin’ to your sexy time.

But this baller lifestyle ain’t for everyone. If your flat has particularly thin walls, a cacophony of ball-slaps may contribute less to your sex life than it does to keeping your flatmates up at night. If you’re a big baller, you may find the free-balling approach a little uncomfortable. If this is the case, you could try a different position, one where the pull of gravity on your scrote is a little less extreme – with you lying on your back or side. If this ain’t your style, you can still harness those ‘nads – but do it with a non-adhesive material so you don’t have to give yourself an impromptu Brazilian every time you’re finished with the tape. You could try keeping your jocks on and just popping your D out of that convenient hole they put in the front of male underwear.

Happy slapping,
Cupie xx

Got a burning question for Cupie? Ask her about all matters of the heart… and other romantic organs anonymously at

Got a burning sensation in your nether regions? Give Student Health a call on 463 5308, or pop in to their clinics at Kelburn and Pipitea.


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