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March 31, 2014 | by  | in Opinion The Bone Zone |
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The Bone Zone with ABFLCORG and Peter Lou

ABFLCORG:
Scissoring: Cut it out!

Q. What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?
A. Single

People often make assumptions about girls who like girls: what drinks we’ll order at a bar; what sport we played growing up; how long our hair should be; and often, how we like to get off. There are a few myths and legends out there about girl relationships and girl sex. Here’s my take on how girl-lovin’ girls have fun.

Fingernails: Girls will typically have their fingernails trimmed right down – it’s practical in ways both sexual and non-sexual. You’d probably struggle to fix your motorbike without breaking a nail, but it’s also a considerate thing to do to make sure the girl you’re trying to get off isn’t, like, in pain. I personally like to keep my nails long, and often my girl-lovin’ friends will inspect my hands and say: “You obviously haven’t got any lately!” Your hands aren’t the only thing in your toolkit you can use to get a girl off – it’s absolutely possible to make a girl orgasm using nothing but tongue, trust me.

Scissoring: Can be seen onscreen in girl-on-girl porn, but isn’t really a thing IRL. It’s probably half heterocentric assumption, half hot male fantasy, but many people now seem to think scissoring is the way girls have sex, which it hilariously isn’t. I’ve only ever scissored with one girl, who asked if we could try something else halfway through because she found it “boring”. You’d have to be a gymnast or a stuntwoman to get on the right angle elegantly. Maybe it’s the heterocentric idea that genital-on-genital sex is the way to go, or maybe it’s sweet to think that both girls are getting off at the same time when in reality, neither girl is getting much out of it. I get much more out of doing all the work myself and making a girl moan for me. Basically, scissoring isn’t a thing, or at least as much of a thing as it’s made out to be. Tell your friends!

Dental dams: It could be because our high-school sex education is shit, but I’d never even heard of dental dams until a few months ago, and I’ve been having sex with girls for years. I’ve asked several girl-lovin’ friends about them, and the general consensus is that dental dams, like scissoring, aren’t a thing.

Of course, there’s no one right way for girl-lovin’ girls to get each other off, but there’s certainly much more to it than scissoring.

Love,
A Big Fat Lesbian Crush On Regina George

 

PETER LOU:
Grindr: A lesson in gay sex

It’s so cute watching straight people using Tinder. The nervous excitement of a Tinder date. The ‘Do I tell people how we met?’ dilemma. The outright novelty of the whole situation. It’s like watching a younger sibling graduate. Or seeing a little kid tie a shoelace for the first time. Because, as with most things, the gays got there first.

And naturally, we do it better too.

When you download Grindr (Tinder’s gay progenitor), you’re signing up for a nonstop stream of dick pics, offers of casual sex, and poor punctuation. Grindr is for hook-ups. There are some who will claim otherwise, and bless their delicate little hearts, but they’re wrong.

Grindr, then, would appear to be the ultimate proof of the ‘gays are so promiscuous’ stereotype. That old chestnut. We’re looking for sex no more than the average male; we just don’t have women slowing us down. There is none of Tinder’s moderating (or rebuffing) female influence.*

That’s not to say of course that we’ll sleep with anyone. Far from it. As Grindr exists for hook-ups, all of the usual social niceties are stripped back, leaving deep-seated bigotry and preferences on everything: race, age, weight, body hair, muscularity and, of course, masculinity. Because obviously, it’s critical that guys establish how “str8 acting” you are before you put your dicks up each other’s arses.

And then on top of that is the all-important issue of whether you’re top or bottom (the insertive partner or the receptive partner, respectively). Gays are like magnets. The magnets are the gays and the repelling force is their sexual connection. Bottoms don’t get together with other bottoms, and tops don’t do other tops. Flip the magnet around though and bam! Sex.

Then there are vers (versatile) guys, who claim to be fine with either role. They don’t really fit in my magnet metaphor. Instead, I will compare them to bisexuals. Just as bi guys definitely exist (biphobia is real, y’all), plenty of vers guys truly are comfortable topping or bottoming. Then there are guys who claim vers status because they’re not comfortable with the feminine associations of wanting to be filled with dick. And as you’re furiously trying to out-bro each other to prove your “masc, str8 acting” credentials, feminine associations are obviously to be avoided.

If we’re looking for friends or for a relationship, there are plenty of places to meet other guys: at work, in gay bars, through friends, at a Kylie Minogue concert, on Tom Daley’s Facebook page. But sometimes, we want to get some D right there and then, and preferably within 500 metres. So we invented Grindr. And now there’s a smorgasbord of guys to suit all tastes, stripped of context, rigid social conventions and politeness. And they’re just waiting for a “hey bro, upto?”

*I’m working here with the common preconception that men want sex more than women, and want more of it: a huge generalisation, made only for reasons of brevity.

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