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March 17, 2014 | by  | in Opinion The Bone Zone |
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The Bone Zone

We’ve all got our preferences. Whether it’s how we take our morning coffee, or our favourite place to take a dump, the ways in which we choose to carry out even the most basic activities of our day-to-day lives are an essential part of who we are.

And it ain’t no different when it comes to sex.

While it’s not clear where exactly our sexual preferences come from, who we want, what we want, and where we want it can be as unique to us as our fingerprints. Sadly, the representation of fetish in popular culture has taught us to believe that those who exhibit a sexual preference for anything more outrageous than missionary with the lights off are dirty and depraved.

This, my sweets, is ridiculous. There are no hard-and-fast rules as to how we should or shouldn’t get our kicks, and liking it one way or another doesn’t make you better or worse, doesn’t make you normal or strange, and doesn’t mean you’re Madonna or the whore. Just as diggin’ it doggy style doesn’t make you a slut, a fascination with women’s underwear don’t mean you’re a creep.

In fact, the concept that there is a single, ‘normal’ way to have sex has been all but rejected by sex psychologists. Thanks to the explosion of niche porn catering for everything from ‘eproctolagnia’ (fantasising about farts) to ‘humongousphallophilia’ (“I like big dicks, and I cannot lie…”), researchers have been able to ascertain that the majority of web users have sexual preferences much more specific than merely being into men or women (for example, hunks with handcuffs, or bootylicious beauties). In short, so long as your sexy time is consensual, legal and harmless, don’t let nobody tell you you’re doing it wrong, because there’s no such thing.

While there’s no way that you will, or have to, be into every position under the sun, keeping an open mind about all things sex is super-important. Not only does it mean you won’t make other people feel weird or perverted for their perfectly healthy, harmless sexual desires, you might just discover something that you actually really, really like. “50 ways to see the world”, after all, is just another way of saying: “50 ways to have the most mind-blowing orgasm of your goddamn life.”

As with all things sex, if you’re keen to try something new, it’s best not to rush into it unprepared. While it’s great that you’re open to trying new things, you also need to be open to the possibility that one of you just might not enjoy it. Before you begin, you’ll need to ensure that the situation is well-lubricated with trust, understanding, consent… and, well, lube.

One way you and your partner can ease yourselves into each other’s sexual fantasies is by starting out with vanilla versions of your deepest desires. This allows your bedfellow to get a feel for your fantasy and decide whether it’s something they’re into, without being forced too far out of their comfort zone. Taking a slow approach to trying something new can also be a good way to free yourselves from any lingering sense that the way you’re doing it is ‘abnormal’.

Intrigued by bondage, but the thought of leather and chains scares you silly? Try starting out with something less intimidating: fashion restraints, gags, and blindfolds out of your prettiest silk scarves. Excited by exhibitionism, but not quite ready to make love on Lambton Quay? Experiment by making your very own porno in the comfort of your own home. (But by all means, learn from the Kardashians and Hiltons who have gone before you and keep that shit on lockdown.) Awed by anal, but not ready to plumb the depths? Beginning by tickling or licking the ring before you venture in can be a great way to start out.

Enjoy experimenting,

Cupie xx



Porn (or erotic literature, if you’re not quite ready for full frontal) can be a great way to discover what tickles you pink. As well as getting to know which positions get you hot under the collar, or role-play that might get you going, porn and erotica can also help you to explore your sexuality in the comfort of your own home. So, what are you waiting for? Set that browser to private and get googling, yo!


Got a burning question for Cupie? Ask her about all matters of the heart… and other romantic organs, anonymously, at

Got a burning sensation in your nether regions? Give Student Health a call on 463 5308, or pop in to their clinics at Kelburn and Pipitea.

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