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April 13, 2014 | by  | in Features Online Only |
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Follow Me but Don’t Follow Me but Please Follow Me

Smirking is without doubt the best time-sharing gesture between yourself and people you don’t know. The ’ oh you know what I know ’ and now fondly we both know a thing. What a funny we have in our tummy. Moments like these make life perky and fun. Similar to spotting a rare animal or just watching animal vines, it just gives you the fuzzy wuzzies, (Seriously consider watching animal vines though). Maybe you release a tssssk through your teeth and curl your lip, maybe you don’t; there are no rules. Tails are wagging but nobody has to sniff butt. The unspoken truth both persons accept is that life stories will ensue if you introduce yourself. But everybody wants to sniff butt so how do we not be friends?

Sorry not sorry about the sniffing Segway into no strings attached sex butt I had poo. All you need is a solid profile pic, a large friend circle and the ability to filter out anything said that would detract from the promising other’s attractive features. You like that douche bag’s Spartan abs? Well keep tinder swiping right and remain emotionally detached. Later While you sail him south without a care just remember you don’t have to reply to his texts. Ghosting is a thing now and I did it to my last girlfriend. Ideally keep it arms length until you need a good ol ‘Nigel Thornberry smashing.

In todays sexual climate what you just read is possible. No need to book that flight on Malaysian airlines. This sexual freedom lends itself to smart phones, the pill and the Internet but I want to be loved again so how do I find someone real when this all feels a bit Sims 4 without the expansion pack?

Everybody is on that Justin Timberlake ‘Friends with Benefits’ booty (before the end) mixed in with a bit of Joaquin Phoenix ‘Her’ (at the end) wifi.  Is Steve Job’s Apple responsible for the heads down bums up approach to intimacy; for making every dick a freelance agent and every Orpheus a box ticked on sub par first date ‘roots’? Ah 1,2,3,4 finger functions on all of apple devices (Giggity). Or is it because everybody’s personality is sculpted, inflated, and essentialised to represent a generation of busy, cultured and beautiful do-gooders. When in fact we suck d on the fly in perpetual wait of princes/ses charming. Who is apparently going to find us? The tragic off set of growing up with a profile means we have all invested experience into an online projection of ourselves in hope of what? Higher status? More friends? Ultimately we just want to feel feels and be needed by other humans and this is how we now get it. But we don’t get it, we just get ‘it’.

With that in mind the social cluster-fuck that online profiles demand equals negative social influences, especially amongst girls. Pressures to be desirable are evident when they create albums of trips taken overseas, or anywhere. Albums scream LOOK I WENT A PLACE AND I WAS PRETTY –BE MY BOYFRIEND AND FEATURE IN PHOTOS LIKE THIS ONE. This vanity and idealized version of self is perhaps what drives our generation to treat sex as an act between acquaintances. We all give wide birth a wide birth until that guy or girl can slip into my life and I won’t have to change at all.

There is probably a whole range of insights to explore and a sizeable milieu of scholarly articles on why we’ve desensitized sex but to ponder this is enough for now (cbf). I’m not saying the key to finding someone real is to stop posting animal vines on Facebook or post selfies on Instagram because that is some funny shit but it is to appreciate the colourful, acknowledge a truth you can be comfortable with and smirk with people you don’t know. Sex is great and in no way should it stop to save face so long as you invest in your actual self. So after the smirk ends introduce yourself and listen to a life story.

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