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April 13, 2014 | by  | in Opinion Shirt and Sweet |
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Shirt and Sweet

Sex is like trying to type the next letter of a word without realising that you’re just repeatedly pressing the backspace key instead. It’s frustrating and unhelpful and you’d get more done if it wasn’t happening. Even thinking about sex is like that. However, sex sells and we live in a shitty capitalist society of which advertising is a big part and this makes it fucking hard (LOL. Penises go hard sometimes. I made innuendo) to spend even a small fraction of your day NOT thinking about sex. Which gets exhausting. As young people generally speaking in the prime of our sexual life (okay, well I’m in the prime of mine because I’m a she, but guys actually are still pretty average and will be for like another ten years or so), the kind of constant extreme levels of sexual tension we’re exposed to on a daily basis is almost terrifying. Even trying to squish past people in Kirk between lectures is a situation fraught with desire to tear your clothes off, lie on the ground, and wait for the other naked bodies to pile up around you à la the final scene in Perfume sans the cannibalism (unless you’re into that, no judgement for anything consensual). Anyway, the point is, thinking about sex without engaging in it is exhausting, and therefore I’m gonna help you out with a little guide on:

How to Not Think About Sex When Everything Around You Is About Sex

We’ll start with the most obvious stuff. Remember when you had stage fright that one time, and because your parents are walking clichés, they told you to just imagine your audience in their underwear/naked? This is where the problem began. You did it, and your performance/presentation went great because you were in a state of mild arousal the whole time. But then it grew to something altogether more sinister. An addiction. A plague on your daily life that slowly consumed your mind and drained your energy until you became what you are now. A husk. An empty shell, built only from awkward misunderstandings and questionable Google searches. Have no fear, dear shell. There is hope. We know the cause of the problem, so all we need to do is reverse it.

Every time you see a naked body from here on out, imagine the owner of that body clothed in something that really turns you off. It might a neon vest because of the infamous sexism of the construction industry, or perhaps a wearable-arts design made entirely of Crocs, or maybe what really shuts you down downstairs is people who don’t even know what normcore is let alone do it properly. Once you’ve got them dressed in your anti-fantasy, imagine them all wearing fedoras too. By this point, you should be safely as far away from thoughts of sex as possible. Unless you’re so full of self-loathing that part of you still wants to go there. If this is the case, just stop. Instead, try just blushing delicately and casting your eyes down. This achieves an effect that I like to describe as ‘cute as fuck’. If you accidentally take this too far, balance it out by elucidating some truly filthy events with no reaction at all (see: not giving a fuck about what people think).

Once you have this strategy down and you think you can be exposed to nudity without thinking about the deed, maybe test yourself by watching Game of Thrones (and then post spoilers on the Overheard @ Vic page to become the shirtiest person on campus). You might also like to try just constantly surrounding yourself with people who don’t make you think about sex. People who are neither cute nor shirty. People who are gross. The only place you might really start to run into trouble with this is at parties. You may unavoidably be exposed to someone who makes you think about sex. Parties are hard. We’ve talked about that. There’s always an elephant in the room at parties. Parties are specifically designed for a lot of people to all think about sex in the same place. Sex is the elephant in the room at parties. Now don’t think about elephants.

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