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April 6, 2014 | by  | in Opinion The Bone Zone |
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The Bone Zone

Hi Cupie,

My boo and I have always loved to incorporate food into the bedroom. This usually involves a variety of sweet condiments. I’d never really thought about going down the savory route, but recently he confessed one of his biggest fantasies is to put an egg into my vagina and eat it out. Upon hearing this I was immediately grossed the fuck out. Yet I tried not to let that show on my face (respecting his feelings etc.) Yet after some careful consideration I’m thinking I may just be down, it can’t hurt… can it?

Now I’m not one to get easily flustered, but I must say, your question left me a little scrambled!

Like you, I too had heard of whipped cream, chocolate sauce and the like being used to sweeten the deal, but not so much on the savoury front. Not wanting to be caught with egg on my face, I plundered the depths of the internet to assist me in cracking your query. That research took me to some very strange corners of the world wide web (think: Russian performance art in which woman steals a whole, raw chicken from the supermarket in her vagina) – but I digress, we are here to talk about you and your egg, because that’s what came first.

Now, while I’m delighted to see that your boo is getting well and truly into the Easter spirit, it is with a very heavy heart that I have to tell you that your lady garden just isn’t the best place to host an egg hunt.

Whether it’s fried, boiled, poached or scrambled, putting that thing anywhere near your foof is bad news, it would seem.  Go down the cooked route (fried, poached, scrambled, omelette) and you risk ending up with wayward egg trapped out of the reaches of your boo’s tongue. Add oil to the mix, which would trap bits of egg and bacteria against the skin, and you’ve got the perfect recipe for infection. Unfortunately, leaving the shell on (raw, soft-boiled, hard-boiled) isn’t much better. Not only will this all but ruin your man’s plans of eating it out, but if it gets stuck up there – which is not unheard of – it’s going to take a lot more than an army of toast soldiers to get it back out again. In short, it don’t matter how your boyfriend likes his eggs in the morning, because the only time mixing vagina with egg is a good idea is when we’re talking fertilised.

In fact, even your sweet condiments may be doing more harm than good. A sugary, warm environment is the perfect place for yeast to flourish – and I’m not talking the baking kind. But, that’s not to say you have to relegate all your favourite foods to the pantry – there are plenty of safe ways to mix the culinary with the carnal!

  • Feed each other a feast of your favourite aphrodisiacs.

  • Cover each other (waist upwards) in your favourite dessert treats – chocolate sauce, whipped cream, sprinkles, cherries – and then lick it all off, like it’s the Valentines dessert buffet on Viagra.

  • If savoury’s more your style, make like Stephanie Key and use your body as a sushi platter instead.

  • Use solid, phallic fruits and veges in lieu of a dildo – ones that won’t break apart or get stuck, like carrots, bananas (peel on) and cucumbers. Make sure you wash them well beforehand though, and never use them more than once.

  • Eat a cheeseburger while having sex: the additional pleasure hormones your brain releases when you eat fatty and salty foods are said to make for one hell of an orgasm (not to mention the body-affirming glory of eating fast food while being pleasured). Just beware the choking hazard!

Bon appetit,
Cupie xx

 

TIP OF THE WEEK:
There’s a huge range of delicious lubes out there that are perfectly safe to use on any part of your body. With flavours as diverse as Cookies & Cream and Big Banana, picking your favourite will be harder than at Kaffee Eis. Most sex stores have testers so you can try before you buy – or just satisfy your sweet tooth next time you’re on Cuba St.

CONTACT TEXT:
Got a burning question for Cupie? Ask her about all matters of the heart… and other romantic organs anonymously at ask.fm/CupieHoodwink.

Got a burning sensation in your nether regions? Give Student Health a call on 463 5308, or pop in to their clinics at Kelburn and Pipitea.

 

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