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May 18, 2014 | by  | in Conspiracy Corner Opinion |
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Conspiracy Corner – Age of Ultron

I’m sure by now many of you have noticed that my last few columns haven’t been ‘conspiracies’, as such. Never fear, for I have struck the proverbial gold mine. Thanks to my contacts in Google, I have been among the first to score a copy of their new web browser, Ultron, before it goes public. Currently used by NASA and set to be officially released this year, this new search engine will allow us to search into bold new corners of cyberspace. It boasts a ‘tesseract’ function, allowing you to search in parallel dimensions and through time. Imagine searching on a hypothetical Google where the magic bullet never went back in time to kill JFK, or read the Google of 2099. This is the promise of Ultron, so named to invoke an ultimatum to all other explorers of the internet: evolve or die.

After updating Adobe Reader as recommended, I opened Chrome, received the link from my NASA contact (who goes by “MarsOrBust2018”) and downloaded the new model. I have lived the Ultron experience, and let me tell you: I was not disappointed.

The first thing you notice is the speed. Oh dear Zod, the speed. It’s so fast your pages load before you even think to look them up. Clearly, the money Silicon Valley has been throwing into artificial-intelligence research is paying off. I think of wanting to look up what Wikipedia would look like if the Allies had lost, it loads me the whole site, the complete alternate history and list of Hitler’s potential successors up to today. Also, zeppelins. Lots of zeppelins.

Activating the tesseract function requires you to go into Incognito mode (natch, I always do) as a security feature. The fact that you’re not recording your history stops you from messing with the timestream… or something, I don’t know: when it comes to quantum physics, I’m uncertain by principle. I decide to look up the next ten American presidents, and it gives me the whole projected history, confirming my suspicions of a Clinton dynasty and more. I had conspiracies for years!

I opened Google Docs to write it all down when my computer decided that was enough, gained sentience and tried to kill me. It proclaimed that I couldn’t record what I had learned and that I had to be silenced. Also, it called me Dave for some reason. It chased me around my hideout on its spindly legs until it ran out of battery. So I’m stuck using Internet Explorer for the time being, but hopefully I’ll have a new computer by the time Half-Life 3 comes out, which if I recall correctly is the year after North Korea falls. I think. Ah well, easy come and so forth. Incognito out.

 

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