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May 18, 2014 | by  | in Arts Music |
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Lily Allen – Sheezus [Review]

Lily Allen – Sheezus
Zero stars.

Lily Allen meant a lot to me in my teen years. I loved her so much that I once serenaded an ex-boyfriend with ‘Not Fair’ on a table at a crowded party. Feminism may not be all about hating men, but Allen damn well did it anyway. Post-party/partum Allen prefers to police other women while making cringeworthy innuendo about her conjugal sacraments.

The title track ‘Sheezus’ documents Allen’s tragic attempt to be relevant, with an entire chorus comprised of name-dropping other female pop stars. The Queen Bey comparison might bear out better if Allen had redeemed her endless domestic-bliss ballads with an artfully timed rising of the partition. Unfortunately, the painfully autotuned ‘L8 CMMR’ is the first of many odes to monogamy, and blows in a way that would seriously displease H.O.V.A. Allen croons: “when I see his face / I feel like I could win the race,” requiring serious suspension of disbelief for anyone who has seen Allen’s husband (think Paul McCartney/mole-rat). In ‘As Long As I Got You’, Allen whines that “staying home with you is better than sticking things up my nose.” That’s all very well, but did anybody ever write a good album by not snorting cocaine? Maybe, but not Lily Allen.

Then we reach the awful mess that is ‘Hard Out Here’. “If I told you about my sex life/you’d call me a slut,” Allen bemoans, after 40 minutes of endorsing vanilla monogamy. “Grow a pair of tits,” she snaps, with ‘You tell ‘em, gurrrl!’ panache. It is hard out here for a bitch, no thanks to Allen’s essentialist conception of womanhood (“We all get periods”? No, honey.) This sad attempt at a feminist anthem is the same old ‘girl power’ tripe masquerading as something radical.

Judging by the frankly shameless promotion of Sheezus on YouTube and Spotify ads, Allen (or her producers) really want a shot at becoming the pop mum-cum-messiah, no matter how little anybody cares. At time of download, The Pirate Bay’s most-shared version of Sheezus had a miserable 462 seeds. Iggy Azalea’s ironically titled debut The New Classic had 1771, making her about four times closer to being the lady link of the holy trinity. Either album is likely to make you rethink your stance on crucifixion.

 

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