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May 26, 2014 | by  | in Opinion Shirt and Sweet |
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Shirt and Sweet

Your weekly column on how to be annoyed but still cute.

Student life is of course a thing at the forefront of many of our frontal lobes, seeing as how Wikipedia says that that’s the section of grey mush that deals with “reward, attention, short-term memory tasks, planning, and motivation.” What’s interesting about this though is that this part of our brain that’s dealing with student life stuff is also dealing with money. This is kind of a dinky (! the word) little zone where academia meets money in a way other than exchanging one for the other.

There are many ways to be cute and shirty with money. We could just straight-up talk about how to be cute and shirty and dirt-fucking-poor. But I’m a firm believer in the importance of macro-level structures, because they’re the cutest and the shirtiest, and that’s why we need to learn:

How to Ignore Capitalism

If your comprehension of capitalism is a little subpar, I’ll just tell you now that it’s shit. It’s really shit. And it’s really hard to fight because people can’t imagine any other way of doing the money/possessions thing. (And also we’re not even allowed to talk about it anymore because of that thing that happened with the people in the places. You know. *Whispers* Communism.) Capitalism is what is stressing us the fuck out and fucking us the fuck over. Unfortunately, because the idea is to ignore capitalism, you will be unable to talk to others about how shitty capitalism is. Instead, do this.

Picture yourself, perhaps at uni, perhaps at a café, perhaps at work. Perhaps working at a café at uni. There’s a lot of background noise. But there is one word that is sticking out. You can’t fully hear it or even comprehend it, but you know it is bad. It stirs you somewhere deep inside. It awakens your dormant social aggression. You seek out the speakers of this vile word, this plague on society. And when you encounter them, you put an end to this violation of aural space. You empty a vessel of liquid on them. Or perhaps a bucket of manure. That seems proven to be effective. Animals are cute, so throwing their excrement at others must be cute too. These blights on society who uttered that word are now silent. You speak unto them now and you call them your comrades. (This has the added bonus of being a gender-neutral term so you can start eroding the patriarchy as well.) You move to Aro Valley together and you weave your shirts from hemp and embroider them with botanically correct flowers. You are cute and capitalism is not.

 

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