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May 4, 2014 | by  | in Opinion Shirt and Sweet |
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Shirt & Sweet

You and I are both sorry to be back here. You can’t fool me. I’m tired and hungover and you are too. The break wasn’t long enough, we didn’t do enough drugs, there wasn’t enough sun, there was too much interpersonal fuckery and everything is just a bit more shit than it should be. We can’t do anything about this. And we don’t have to. Having a life that’s a bit shit is top-notch fodder. It’s important to have annoyances so that you can be annoyed. Otherwise, you’re just expending all your energy on being cute and no one’s winning there. Anyway, the point is drugs. Drugs can be difficult, but I’m looking out for you and it’s important to me that you know:

How to keep it cute and shirty when you’re tripping your face off and one of your arms might actually be significantly longer than the other one.

First up is prep for the trip. You’ll want to have already eaten a good substantial meal and you’ll want to make sure you’ve got some buddies and a safe place. You’ll need to not be wearing that much clothing, and you will also need some face paint and those stick-on jewel things (you can do the vajazzling thing that we talked about too if you’re into that). The sparklier and more pastel-coloured, the better. When you feel like the minor deity of ‘fuckyeahpretty’, that probably means you’re good to go. Take a photo of yourself with drugs on your tongue, post it on Tumblr, harvest notes and enjoy your trip.

Once it hits you, remember that objects in the rear-view mirror are almost certainly cuter than they appear, but if possible, just avoid mirrors altogether. Instead, take yourself into The Outside. Nature is your friend. Seek out ditches. Lie in them and look at the stars. Talk very fast to other people about how excellent said stars are right now. Talk very fast to other people about the fact that you’re tripping. Be obnoxious. If people seem worried about you, refuse assistance and repeatedly affirm that you’re fine. (Please only do this if you actually are fine though. If you’re not fine, nothing is cuter or shirtier than asking for what you need and being looked after. ILY stay safe always.) Recruit people to come on Expeditions with you. Do anything and everything that you think you want. If you change your mind, stop. Look at things that are pretty. Tell them how pretty they are. Tell everyone how pretty all of the things are. Be pretty. Be pretty and cute and better than everyone else because you probably gave birth to the Universe and the Universe is definitely in love with you and the Moon obviously orbits around you despite the commonly held misconception that it orbits the Earth.


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Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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